bletran

frends an readers alike

i was enreadying to go to slepe an i sea ricky beltran has bene on this site more again yappen his big mouth on how he gon come and kill mcstallen. blah blha bla.. beltran you blue your chanse, so why do you don back to cellen your torpical fish?
beltran your torpical fish are no mor than bate but you haf bene ripping off the people on the ebay with misdescripshuns an sayen that fish was an rare but thay was not very rare indeed. i don think no body with a braine and a half buys your fish an i hoap they gon exspend youre account. an i think you needen to cell fish becawse you not making enuf money from the mersernary jobs ever.

i gotten e-mail an people wan know what i look like an i am flatter. so i gon posting picture

i having this picture of me what got taken when i was en montenegro with mcstallen for new years in 2003. we don party two much becawse we hadden to blow-up government gas an supplie depoe for contract. we don good blowing -it had a ka-boom and not their when we leaf!

for thoes remember mcstallen he is in doing much more good than befour and he is thanken for all yor prairs. he en went on walken by his self out side hospital for orignial time today. he needed cane to do that an is good orderlies let him keep thee cane. but problem is i can no walk becawse my ass hurt event more from mcstallen biten it las weak. i sit en robber donut still but it en hurts an so i hope i can be walken in day or next day. but mi ass don hurts when i typen!

my pleasure,
Juan Boca

like rapid dog

frends an readers alike

today was more bad news in the hospital but it start promising enough. i came in and say hey mcstallen you better be niser today or i not gon stay two long. but mcstallen was all doaped up on drogas an smilen an talken from happy days wen before wife leeve for good when he was in grenada so i think this must be good Day. we chit for a wile and he was stil smilen cawse i think he think he still in grenada fiten unarmed cubans an so i sit rite by the bed for a while [in chair] an he says more stuf of a impalen cuban with a salt rifle and i think oh this is good no issues of concerns today. oh butt then some truble my frends- someone nocken on the door and i turn my head to see hu it was an it was ownly orderly but than suddenle mcstallen pop up an bight my ass an he sink his teeth reely into it an i was screamen liek a littel gurl. it was lie trubble to get his mouth off my ass but finally i pull him off - he was like rapid dog and was foamen en lips. i needen to get stiches an i think i don no wut kind of drogas orderly give mcstallen but i don never wnat any of that because i don want to start biting my frends asses. never wan do that.

so i leeve before mcstallen talk to me over fantasy beisbol and i go home an sitten on robber donut beawse my ass is all a-soar. i use the time here today to talk over wrestling an no beisbol insted. you sea, i haf two sons - each is a namen rodrigo- wan rodrigo jus die in nepal [rodrigo 1- elder] and my other son rodrigo [rodrigo 2- mas joven] is a studen an school wrestling star in america. he lif with his mother, maria cantante. i go a hear to the NATional prep wrestle to talk of rodrigo with the other enthusiasms an fans of the sport. now there are lots of lots of punks writen about an i deal with them sometime but we get haf big trubble them and us

my pleasure,
Juan Boca

is font

frends an readers alike

many of you have right these emails and won to know how you con tell is me righting. well jus look at the font and if you see is bold then you is me juan and is not mcstallen.

today i wen to hospital again to see mcstallen and i say hey mcstallen you donig better. an he look at me rite in my eyes an he says come closer juan real quiet under his breath. an he ponits index finger at me liker he won me to come closer. so i came real close to the bed and i say what you got to say? and then he says come more closer. and i think this is strainge but i come more closer becawse thass what the mein says. then all of a sudden he grabs my neck and start to trying to choke me again and again. i brake free afterr some efforts and of course help from the nice orderlies and i say what the hell was that for and mcstallen says becawse i am not posting enough on this blog so hear i ago again trying to make the posts and what not becawse i don want mcstallen to try and kill me ever time i go to see him in hospital. then mcstallen tol me to sine this closer named wagner who will play for the reds becawse danny graves got taken away from sinsinati.

so i leave hospital and go on the leeg website jus like he says. i try to put wagner on his team but it was to no avail becawse some team got him all along. so i come back to the hospital an i tell him somebody have closer billy wagner all along. an thass when he got more angry then i ever seen him. he start yelling rian rian rian wagner! and he hop out of the bed and start beatin me with his cane. an that abuse wnet on and on for a wile til the orderlies they come in and they are like oh not this stuff again and they brake it up again. so i leave an i tell mcstallen i still come back tomorro but i tell the orderlies make sure you don give that cane to mcstallen becawse it hurt like hell when he was beaten me with it and i don want to get hit with it tomoro

my pleasure,
Juan Boca

McStallen Is been Shot!!!

frends and readers alike

tihs is juan boca- i am working with mcstallen many many times and was shot woundedly in nepal with my son rodrigo trying to defend mcstallen. rodrigo later die of gun-shotsd but that is not important now. now i am bring very bad news to everyone. mcstallen is been shot in former yugoslavia. i wll esplain what happen- mcstallen was walked down dirt countryside road and someone recognize him from the past and don like him. so this mein that recognize mcstallen, he pull out a salt rifle and shooting mcstallen as many as several times. then this mein leave and mcstallen tried to crawl to hospital in local region. i don know the mein that did all the shooting to mcstallen but i going to try and find him and kill him at some point

thus mcstallen is in hosptial now but look this is very serious. we don know if he will make it but when i see him in hospital i say hi nene you better be more more careful. but mcstallen was all lying in bed covering in bloody bangdages and he look like he dead. but then all of a sudden mcstallen grab my throat and tell me i better start working on the blog wile he's in el hospital or he gon to get out of the bed and rip by eyes out and make intercourse to me after he kill me. let me tell you this is muchisimo threat and i don want that to happening to me. so i gon right the blog. and he gift me the password and i know it but i won tell nobotty else about it.

my pleasure,
Juan Boca

Coup D'Etat

My god dear readers I have terrible news. The Duke and his wife were assassinated as their motorcade drove through a bustling market in the streets of Sarajevo two days ago. The Duke unexpectedly stopped the motorcade and exited his limosine to purchase oranges from a local street vendor when gunfire suddenly erupted all around him. In seconds both the Duke and Dutchess were dead. Ravenous by-standers grabbed the alleged gunman, a fascist-anarchist named Virgil "The Turk" Solozzo, and brought him to the local station for questioning.

It wasn't until I was on my way back to Sarajevo that I heard of the assassinations. That was 2 in the afternoon the next day Bosnian time, but already the Belgrade papers had the entire history of an unknown 44-year-old man, Solozzo - a studio picture, detailed biographical data, Russian information - and were pretty sure of the fact he'd been the lone gunman, although it took them four more hours to charge him with the murder in the police station. It felt as if, well, a cover story was being put out like they would in a black op.

Anyway, after I came back I asked myself why was I, the chief of security, selected to travel to the Southern Balkans at that time to do a job that any number of others could have done? One of my routine duties if I had been in Sarajevo would've been to arrange for additional security when the Duke was traveling. I checked it out when I got back and sure enough, I found out someone had told the rest of the body guards to "stand down" that day, over the protests of the unit leader Ricky Roma.

Now this is significant, because it is standard operating procedure, especially in a known hostile city like Sarajevo, to put at least a half-dozen agents on the sidewalks, without question! We'd have arrived days ahead of time, studied the route, checked all the buildings ...We never would've allowed all those wide-open empty windows overlooking the market ... never ...We would have had our own snipers covering the area. The moment a window went up they'd have been on the radio. We would've been watching the crowds - packages, rolled up newspapers, a
coat over an arm, never would have let a man open an umbrella along the way - Never! You would have felt a presence in the streets that day, but none of this happened. It was a violation of the most basic protection codes we have. And it is the best indication of a massive plot in Sarajevo.

Who could have best done this? People in my business...People like my superior officer "Y" could've told Ricky Roma, "Look - we have another unit coming from so and so providing such and such. You'll stand down."

But the real question, is "Why?" -the "how" is just "scenery" for the suckers ... it keeps people guessing like a parlor game, but it prevents them from asking the most important question - Why? Why was the Duke killed? Who benefited? Who has the power to cover it up? If we can answer those questions, we can solve this whole thing.

This was a military-style ambush from start to finish ... a coup d'etat. And now pictures are circulatinig linking Solozzo to the Bush Administration and the American mob.



This undated photo was recently discovered in a Belgrade garage, showing American president George Bush (left middle) meeting with Virgil "The Turk" Solozzo (right middle) and several unidentified members of the Corleone crime family. The Bush administration claims the photo is a fake, and that George Bush's face has actually been super-imposed over the body of a member of the Corleone family

And I can't help but think of the bizarre similarities to something that happened here over 90 years ago...Well anyway the Slavs can sort all this out on their own. I've got no one left to protect here, so I'm taking my semi-automatic assault rifle and I'm going home. God knows when I'll work again. This whole thing is awful and I may take some time off from writing.

A Trip to the Southern Balkans

A strange thing happened today. I was sent by my superior officer, "Y," to the Southern Balkans as the military escort for a group of international VIP's. This trip has nothing to do with my experience as a mercenary. It was sort of a "paid vacation." The Duke's incompetent son Fredo will act as his personal body guard while I am gone, and Ricky Roma will run things around Mountainview.

Another Mission in the Balkans/ Pitching Woes

I made it out of Africa and contacted my boss, we'll call him "Y," who was able to roll me over on a project in the Balkans. I was put in charge of a modest personal security operation for ArchDuke Richard Lingk, the Bosnian Minister of Interior Development, and his wife, the Dutchess of Nyborg. The Duke comes from Bosnian royalty, and is revered and respected by his countrymen, many of whom believe he has magical powers. The Duke and Dutchess live in a sprawling medieval castle called "Mountainview." I manage a dozen or so guards in securing Mountainview's perimeter, and then I work as the personal bodyguard of the Duke and Dutchess when they go into town. My old friend Ricky Roma is second in command among the body guards, and we work with Fredo, the screw-up son of the Duke and Dutchess. Some mercenaries find the Balkans to be pretty hairy at times, and indeed I had a rough go in Srebrenica, but I have found the atmosphere around Mountainview to be pretty laid back, and it is a welcome respite from bloody Africa. And I don't apologize for what I did in Srebenica- that's my life and I make no apologies- the whole operation was a mess from the start, and most of the time you couldn't even tell who you were killing- but you just had to fire and forget. And I think we all died a little in that damn war.


Beaucholic Mountainview

But onto Major League Baseball. And it is about that time of the year in fantasy baseball when good pitching legitimately becomes hard to find. The guys having career years (Jon Garland, Brett Myers, John Patterson, Erik Bedard, Bruce Chen etc) all been gobbled up, and it is risky to grab remaining pitchers off the waiver wire because they can single-handedly ruin your team ERA and WHIP with a "Moyer-esque" outing.

THE GOOD
There are some good pitchers left- you just have to look...
1) Cliff Lee- Cleveland- this once-promising oyung pitcher has had a bunch of good starts this year, and has pitched well against some stacked AL lineups (Angels, WhiteSox, and Rangers)
2) Chris Young- Texas- the big man is quickly developing into a stud- if he's a free-agent in your league, grab him
3) Mark Redman- Pittsburgh- he'll help your team ERA and WHIP, but don't rely on him for wins or Ks
4) Josh Fogg- Pittsburgh- has been pitching very well lately, riding a 3-game win streak into the weekend. Fogg went seven strong on Wednesday evening and gave up only two runs
5) Chris Capuono- Milwaukee- he is developing into a good pitcher but is still prone to implosion.
6) Horacio Ramirez- Atlanta-a poor man's Mark Redman ...hmm...that doesn't sound very good

THE BANGED UP
Injuries were the primary reason the following became waiver wire fodder
1) Tony Armas Jr- Washington- dealt with many injuries throughout his young career, but will be throwing in a pitcher's park
2) Jaret Wright- New York (Junior Circuit)- terrible start, but maybe he pitches well when he comes back
3) David Wells- Boston- Was starting to pitch well before he got hurt


THE UGLY
The following are decent pitchers who got off to terrible starts and may have been cut by their original owners
1) Jake Westbrook- Cleveland- look at his numbers- four quality starts yet he has an ERA of 6.69 -maybe he'll get it all together
2) Nick Lowery- San Fransisco- transitioning well from NFL kicker to pitcher, he had a slow start but may be coming around
3) Randy Wolf- Philadelphia- this lefty has always been a bit inconsistent, but so far this year he has just been bad
4) Zack Grienke- Kansas City- pitching very, very well this year despite his record (0-4)
5) Ryan Drese- Texas- vowed to be the Rangers ace at the out-set of the season, but he is a far cry from that

The .45 is Mightier than the Pen

I don't like violence- I abhor it really- but it seems to shadow me wherever I go, as my inescapable soul-mate. And sometimes it is very difficult to escape from.

I had been keeping low in the village of Kijawwuh, in the Congo. And as I'm sure you all know, there has been alot of bloodshed recently in the Congo- factional tribal village battling and what not. Images plastered all over the BBC. There have also been alot of Western "journalists" snooping around, feeding off the death and carnage as Satanic parasites, or sharks to a feeding frenzy.

One of these such "journalists" popped into Kijawwuh yesterday, interrupting the peaceful village life as he barreled in here with his Jeep and his Congolese translator. He got all excited when he spotted a few corpses in a drainage ditch, and started taking pictures. At that point, I had enough.

I said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He flashed his press pass at me and kept snapping away- never even having the common decency to look up at me. I pulled out my .45 and blew away his translator.

Again I asked him, "What the hell are you doing?"

He was a bit more responsive this time. He explained he was an American journalist here taking pictures to publicize the Congolese atrocities to the world. He told me that people had to know what was going on here- that the "truth" had to come out.

Oh it did, huh? And wasn't he just the right man to bring it out? What a convenient explanation! Imagine this capitalist pig, invading the privacy of the village and the Kijawwan way of life just so he could take pictures of dead bodies and sell them to Western newspapers so they could be published for rich Americans to read and pass judgment upon from the safety of their secluded Beverly Hills bungalows. And to use "getting the truth out" as a motive for this nonsense?? What a load of crap- like all Americans, this spoiled, pampered, self-centered brat was motivated by the almighty dollar. And nothing more. He was receiving a salary from the newspaper, and this Kijawwan story would surely merit him vast amounts of prestige and accolades from the American media. But this deceitful coward told me he was doing it for the "truth." I looked at his $200 watch and spit on him. I didn't even have fifty cents when my grandmother died, and it disgusted me to see this deceitful journalist flaunting his wealth as he exploited the villagers by taking photos of their dead. It was only going to get worse for him.

I then kicked him to the ground and grabbed his press credentials. The Boston Globe- a reputable periodical. I asked him if he was a Red Sox fan and he said he didn't follow baseball. I raised my .45 to his head and told him he better be a baseball fan for the next 60 seconds. I was going to ask him a baseball question- he gets it wrong, he dies, he gets it right, he walks.

I asked, "What is the nickname of current Red Sox outfielder Christopher Nixon?"

He responded, "Uhh...I don't know."

I gave him a hint. I said, "Think homerun walk...homerun gallop...homerun stride..."

He said, "Uhh...Otis?"

My god. "Otis Nixon"- What a terrible answer. Otis Nixon played only briefly for the Red Sox, and was certainly not a homerun hitter.

I said, "No, it's 'Trot.' Christopher 'Trot' Nixon."

Then I blew his head off. I told the villagers to burn his body and the body of his translator. I was disgusted by all the violence, and I decided it was time to leave. I bid the villagers a final farewell as I headed for the African coast. Now I'm coming for that number one spot.

If the journalist knew who Trot Nixon was, he'd still be alive today

McStallen's Mailbag of Death

Hello everyone. I am still holed up in an undisclosed location in the Congo. It looks like that nasty little incident in Cabinda has all but blown over, and I should be headed out of the region in a few days. I shall use this opportunity to answer some of the many e-mail questions I have received from my loyal readers over the past few months.


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Junior writes, "McStallen, Do you regret anything you've done?"

Well Junior, some of the things I've done, man...Well I don't feel like I've done something wrong. Sometimes, though I get this bad feeling... But I told the padre the truth, I like being a mercenary. You get to do what you want, nobody messes with you. The only worry you got is dying. And if that happens you won't know about it anyway. So what the hell?

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Sheldon L. writes, "I am an aging mercenary working through Mitch and Murray. I haven't worked in months and can't get any good leads. My leads are all weak- What should I do?"

You're name's Levine, right? You call yourself a mercenary, you son of a bitch? The leads are weak? You're weak! I've been in this business 50 years -the money's out here- you don't pick it up, I got no sympathy for you- you'll be shining my shoes. And I know one day you'll be some loser sitting in a bar saying, "Oh yeah, I used to be a mercenary. ..glub glub...It's a tough racket!"

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Harris writes, "You're the boss, you're such a hero, you're so powerful and dangerous, Why do you waste your time writing a blog to a bunch of bums like me?"

I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't care. Good father? Screw you- go home and play with your kids!


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Runelvys H. writes, "Hi McStallen. I am a young pitcher in major league baseball but I am wanting to leave because my team is not providing good run support. I am thinking of becoming international mercenary. What does it take to be mercenary?"

Runelvys, it takes brass balls to be a mercenary.



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Night of the Angolans

The Angolans came for us last night. Angola of course considers the Cabindan enclave to be part of its sovereign territory, and apparently no one from our operation had been paying off the blasted dos Santos Angolan regime. So dos Santos figured it was time for us to pay up and he sent the entire 141st Angolan regiment into the Cabindan enclave to wipe us out. Two Angolan tank columns performed a pincer movement to cut off our retreat, and then the Angolan infantry came pouring in. They were all over the place and they weren't stopping for shit. The whole scene was a mess and I ended up hiding in a fox-hole with the one-legged Obie. Obie said, "Yo McStallen, let's dee-dee man!" I replied, "You go!" So Obie hobbled out and I never saw him again. I remained in the fox-hole and covered myself with the body of a dead Angolan. Some of the other mercenaries barricaded themselves in the command bunker and called on our brass to pound our own position from their off-shore destroyer. But an Angolan missile sank our destroyer before it could fire, evoking erie memories of the Sheffield.

The explosions continued throughout the night, and I put on the dead Angolan's and blood-soaked uniform. I took out my K-bar and cut off his face, throwing the hot flesh on top of my own face. I crept outside the fox-hole and laid still until the morning, when the shooting finally stopped. As first light came, a young Angolan medic saw me and told me to stay calm because a "bird" was on the way. Soon thereafter they loaded me on a medical chopper and took me back to headquarters. The Angolan officials were unable to identify me (presumably because I was still wearing a mask of human flesh), and an Angolan officer named Muthareka interrogated me for a few hours, even administering a Voit-Kampff test. This Muthareka fellow told me he was looking for notorious global mercenaries, such as Ricky Beltran, Obie, Ricky Roma, Bunny and McStallen. I told him I didn't believe in God or the Devil, but I believe in McStallen, and that McStallen was now in a barbershop quartet in Skokie Illinois. Muthareka admitted he was unfamiliar with Skokie Illinois, but bought my story, and let me go- he'll never know how close he came to catching me.


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An Angolan tank pauses during its assault on our diamond mining operation. We knocked out three Angolan tanks, which were dinosaurs purchased from the Soviets in the late 1970s. Nevertheless, the Angolan ground forces eventually over-ran our position.



I left the Angolan military compound and got on a decrepit public bus headed into the Congo. I hadn't been there since Mobutu was in power, but I knew some Congolese rubber farmers that owed me a few favor; some years ago I had poisoned the river supply of a rival village as a personal favor to them, and now I called upon them to do a favor for me. So they're quartering me now in their squalid village, and I am going to lay low for a little bit while this Cabindan thing settles down. Their food is poor and their wireless connection dreadfully slow, but I suppose I should just be thankful to be alive.

I would like to close by apologizing for the recent lack of fantasy sports analysis on this blog; these last few days I have been very busy killing people and trying not to get killed, and I can assure you all that I shall return to the world of fantasy sports very soon.