Thursday, July 26, 2007

Back from the Dead

Good day loyal readers

Well first I would like to apologize for my leave of absence- it's been a year. Maybe longer. I can't really remember anymore. I don't suppose that matters, really.

But I have been away the past year or so recovering from the fever. I was doing some work in Burma managing a bridge-building operation along the Burma railway- a civic works project- sort of like the Tennessee Valley Authority, except you shoot the lazy workers and any social undesirables that happen upon the work site. We were ahead of schedule and things were going well, and then I came down with something the natives call "agbayani" - which in English translates roughly to something like "typical over-hyped marginal new york met," or "the yellow fever," depending on how you pronounce the "i" at the end.

And so I lay bed-ridden for many months and I thought. There wasn't much else to do really, so I just thought and thought and thought. And then it occurred to me that what I was doing was abominable- that I lived a terrible life and caused great pain to myself and to many others. And I realized that there is a higher being out there- and that one day I- we- you -us all- we will all go before that being and face our day of judgment. You can't run, and you can't hide. And I realized that my life must change before it is too late- that it has to change.

Eventually however, the bloody fever subsided, and with it, my delusions. I reread the collected works of Marshall Tito and got my mind right again. Then I trained with some Cossacks for a month- shooting, cavalry techniques, sword-play- really the whole nine yards. And that got me back to where I needed to be physically. And then some promising work recently came along after I reconnected with my old friend Ivan.

Ivan told me he had a major operation in the works- something real big with the Soviets and the Cubans- and Ivan asked if I wouldn't mind coming aboard- he said the youngsters could really learn a thing or two from a man like me- and he said there was something in it for me- on my own. So I trained with them for a few weeks and no D-Day is upon us.

We will be flying out of our undisclosed camp in about 0300 hours. Disguised as commercial airliners, we should hit US airspace in 1200 hours and the drop zones in about 1300 hours. Once we land, we are to capture a series of bridges with thunderclap precision, and set up a base camp at the foot of the last bridge. Personally I think we're going a bridge too far, but I'll defer to the event planners for now. And so God willing, I shall write again after the jump.

I'll close by briefly discussing my fantasy football "keeper" team. As many of you know, the team has been one giant charlie foxtrot since its founding in 2002. A grand disappointment on par with Mills' fruitless call-back interview campaign of 2002-03. But we have restructured management, executed our special teams unit, burned all our playbooks, and are hoping to make a great leap forward in 2007 for the glory of the State.

And we continue to do all we can to pursue Enemy of the State #1 and grand traitor to the cause Domanick Davis. You may recall that Mr. Davis faked a thigh injury last season that devastated our fantasy ranks, costing us a series of campaigns and untold suffering. Since his act of treason, he has reportedly fled to Afghanistan where he is hiding out in a remote mountainous region. He has reportedly changed his name to Domanick Williams, cut his hair, and changed his jersey number. But rest assured that we're going to catch this guy- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow- but our friends in Afghanistan like Ham Karzes are doing all that they can. And then we got the wacky Packy, Pervis Mushareef Abdur-Rahim, over there in Islamabad makin sure Davis doesn't try an end run. So it's just a matter of time.

And further, I swear to Trotsky that we will catch that paper-hanging son-of-a-bitch, and I will personally run him down with my K-bar.

OK I've got to prep for the jump- take care!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

McStallen! So glad you are back! Been a long time, buddy. Look out for some pesky high school kids on your next mission! Many are members of an elite paramilitary organization - Eagle Scouts!

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Coco Khoury said...

I no longer work in Sacramento. And I am no longer a Civil Servant. But you have not heard the last of me McStallen- One day I will kill you and eat your scrotum

8:49 AM  

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