Wednesday, April 19, 2006

More of McStallen's Email Bag of Terror

I tracked across Africa a bit, and I'm just resting on an abandoned tank on a little beach on Lake Victoria, and I figured I'd "take five" and answer a few reader emails.
Here goes...

McStallen, I think your blog's violent content is very tasteless and troubling and has no place in society.

Conflict and anarchy are coming to your neighborhood very soon Mr. Bundy- and you will need to be prepared- So when armed bands are speeding down your block in pick-up trucks maniacally firing AK-47s at everyone and everything, or when the Chinese tanks roll through your town's Main Street, you'll thank me for doing my best to prepare your community for the sanctimonious carnage on the horizon.
Remember- the organizing principle of any society is its capacity for war-making. And the final stage in any military campaign is the mobilization of the children. -M

Mr. McStallen,
I have tried to trade with this very stubborn man in my fantasy baseball league. I have offered him great deals, including Kent Merker and Danny's Baez for Huston Street and Miguel Cabrera. This Cabrera is very over-rated- everyone knows that. I am just trying to do my friend a favor and take Cabrera off his hands. But still he resists, and quite frankly, I am at my wits end. Should I persist, and perhaps throw in Tomah Ohka, Luis Vizcaino or Paul Assenmacher? Or should I just cut to the chase and kill everyone in the league?
-Anthony K.

Anthony, I think you really need to give this guy your best offer before resorting to mass murder- try throwing out Robb Nen or Dean Biasucci and see if he bites. -M


Mr. McStallen,
With my back against the wall, and the entire world aginst me, I was duped into trading Steve Smith to a predatory owner in my Yahoo! fantasy football keeper league. I don't think I can get this Smith fellow back through conventional barter- the predatory owner is far too stubborn for that- So I plan to kill him. Will that work?
-Anthony K.

Anthony, thanks for writing again. I would email Yahoo Customer Care first and see if they will transfer ownership of Steve Smith to you if you kill his present owner- if they will, then you should go through with it. -M


Do they sell Budweiser in the Sudan?
-Tim M.

What do you care Tim? The only way you'll ever leave St. Louis is in a body bag, you pathetic pud. -M

Mr. McStallen,
I am unable to consummate any transactions in my fantasy baseball league. My negotiations have failed because the other "owners" in the league are conspiring against me and have made concerted refusals to deal. I have exhausted all administrative remedies, including statutory relief granted by the Smoot-Hawley tariff. Alas the government will not help me... Should I take the law into my own hands and murder the other owners in my league?
-Anthony K.

Anthony- thanks for all the emails- I am starting to notice a few themes here...I think you take these fantasy sports too seriously and all too often are projecting false feelings and motives on people and/or reading too much into their actions. I think you should relax and maybe just let some stress out by lobbing a few grenades at the handicapped seating section of a sporting contest. Most of those phonies can walk. -M
Ah Mr. McStallen,
I find myself writing to you once again for additional counsel. Would you be so gracious as to answer one final query?
You see, for the last 3 months I have been stalking this alcoholic horse-trader that I shall refer to as only "Mills." This man Mills is terminally ill with many diseases, and I believe he will die before the year is through. Terminal illness notwithstanding, I also believe it is my manifest destiny to slay Mills, and repeated efforts to do so have been stymied by malfunctioning weaponry. Should I persist in my efforts to kill Mills? ...or should I move on to other prey and let Mother Nature take care of things for me?

Anthony, that's a really good question. I think you should take one more crack at him and then if it doesn't work, just move on. -M

OK children, that's all for now, I'm going to take a nap and will write more later.


Anonymous kevin tapani said...

Check inside your mom's colon

4:38 PM  
Anonymous cecil fielder said...

McStallen, can you spare some change?

5:55 PM  

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