A Blundered Siege

So these past two weeks I've been training a company of mercenaries to mount a full-frontal assault on a Lebanese cave that the dastardly Sacramento Civil Servant is hiding out in. I was going to lead the charge myself, but I sprained my ankle playing a game of lawn darts in Tel Aviv over the weekend, and so I delegated authority and put the company's head NCO, Stavros, in command to lead the charge.
Stavros, a hulking Balkan, led the boys toward the cave, and we covered them with our two .88 batteries. I watched from an adjacent hillside and figured the whole operation would take a few minutes. But after about 15 minutes I could see they hadn't gotten too far, and I got a little impatient with 'ol Stavros....

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MCSTALLEN
Hello Stavros! Hello! How many emplacements did you locate? Did you knock any out? Over.

STAVROS
I don't know...I don't know sir...

MCSTALLEN
What the hell do you mean, you don’t know?! What's the matter with you, Stavros? Those men should be reinforced immediately! What are they doing? They should be up and out, cleaning out those machine guns! Over!

STAVROS
I don't think you understand what's going on, sir. We've had... heavy casualties. We had a man... His gut got shot out on the slopes, sir. Created quite an upset. And for reinforcements, I have...two squads to-

MCSTALLEN
Two squads! What the hell do you mean, two squads?!
Goddamn you, Stavros!When I say reinforcements, goddamn it, I mean it! You commit everybody- I mean everybody- you have there!

STAVROS
Sir, I must tell you, that I refuse to obey your order. My company alone cannot take that position, sir... The Civil Servant is too well dug in... He's got a well-manned bunker up there...We can't see it, and it's...it's chewing my men to pieces, sir.
I request permission for patrol reconnaissance to the right of the cave.
I have two witnesses here. I request that you do the same with witnesses there. Over.

MCSTALLEN
Stavros, don't you pull this guardhouse-lawyer bullshit with me!!! Now, I know you're a goddamn lawyer!
But this is not a court of law.
This is a war- It's a goddamn battle!
....But if you feel that strongly, maybe you have a reason, so I'm coming down.

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So I got off with Stavros and went to plan B...Borgnine was waiting in the McStallen assault helicopter on a spy ship in the gulf. I figured I would call him in and he'd fire a few rockets into the bunker, maybe even drop some snake and nape, and that would be the end of that.

I called his cell and didn't get an answer. I waited a minute and called again. Still no answer. I called a third time and left a message.
I waited another minute and called again but it went right to his voice-mail! The bastard had shut his phone off. I got young men getting shot to shit on that bloody hill, and that bastard is coppin Z's and too lazy to answer his phone.
Disgusted, I threw down my AK and left the battleground.

The shooting died down, and eventually the mercenaries took the cave. They took a few prisoners (which they promptly executed), confiscated some light ordinance, but of course they didn't get what we came for- the Civil Servant. He took off and split in the middle of the fighting like the paranormal coward that he is.

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Later on in the day I was on-line checking my fantasy basketball scores, and I was feeling really good because it looks like my boy Josh Smith is really turning things around and starting to live up to his potential- more blocks than any other player in the NBA in the last month- and he's guard-eligible. That's some shit.
So just then Borgnine IM's me, and say he's sorry about not napalming the Civil Servant, and that he just fell asleep and he hoped everything went well. I didn't even respond- I was so hopping mad at him I was tempted to remove his name from my buddy list- I didn't of course, but I shit you not I was really close to doing it.

One Year Anniversary

Well that blasted little excursion into Nepal was a real Charlie-Foxtrot, and I had to bail out of that bus about 50 yards from a government checkpoint on the outskirts of Katmandu. The U.N.'s got the nukes now, my employer is pissed, and now that boner Kofi Annan is trying to piece it all together. Good luck Kofi.

Christ, Nepal's always been a bad place for me- that's where we lost Rodrigo in '05.
But at least it's over for now.

But this post is really special to me because it represents the one-year anniversary of this blog. And I've done alot this year- there were coups, assassinations, kidnappings, napalmings, and beheadings. A couple villages completely wiped off the mat. I even cupped Reggie Roby's balls. I destroyed a UFC convention. Lots of action. And I killed more people this past year (52) than most mercenaries do in a career. I mean 52 confirmed kills in one year- that ain't fucking peanuts- that's all's I'm saying.

And don't get me started on "unconfirmed kills"- by my own account I think I bagged another two-dozen people this year- maybe more because I'm not sure how many people were in that pet hospital in Sarajevo- but mercenarywatch.com wouldn't give me any credit for those other kills for lack of evidence. Those bastards...it's not like any of them have the balls to go out and waste someone- but boy are they quick to set-up a web-site and pass judgment on others as to what constitutes a confirmed kill and what doesn't. They're just a bunch of parasites. Someone should frag them- that's what someone should do.

I digress...So where to next? Well I'll tell you- There's a multi-national task force, led by my old acquaintances Hyman Mills and Gary, that has gone tear-assing across the globe looking for the Sacramento Civil Servant. After a month of that, they've finally got him cornered in a cave in Lebanon. And they're paying me to go in and be the one to extract him. That's highly dangerous, but hell let's be honest here- I would have done that for free- pleasure is all mine.

So here's the transcript of my debriefing this morning with Mills, going over my mission in Lebanon...

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MILLS: (unfolds map of Lebanon) They call him "The Civil Servant."
He's holed up in a cave outside of Beirut. Fighting's confined to the cave area. Now If we're gonna stop the Civil Servant, we've gotta do it right there. The rest of the task force has done its job. Now it's your turn.

MCSTALLEN: (nods)

MILLS : I admire you, McStallen. I do.

McSTALLEN : Thank you, sir.

MILLS: Most men your age would have retired by now. But that's OK. We need mercenaries with maturity and character Iike you. But once a mercenary gets wounded a few times, he can't wait to take a desk job. He becomes a politician, right? Goes along to get along. So goddamn hard to stay upright.

MCSTALLEN: You said it there, sir.

MILLS: With Gary watching- which he will be. There's always someone watching.
Like a hawk. Always someone ready to jump in, if you're not.
Do you have a son, McStallen?

MCSTALLEN: Yes, sir. I think several actually.

MILLS: Good. Well we don't want our sons or grandsons fighting the Civil Servant years from now, do we?

MCSTALLEN: No, sir, we sure don't.

MILLS: Then you crush him without mercy. You dig him out of that cave and you bring him back.

MCSTALLEN: Yes, sir.

MILLS: You wonder why... Why would the Civil Servant hide there of all places? I guess we don't know the bigger picture, if there is such a thing... What do you think?

MCSTALLEN: Well, sir, I never asked myself that question.

MILLS: You're a humble man... Nobody wants the Civil Servant... but you. How much do you want him?

MCSTALLEN: As much as I have to, sir.

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