Expansion Site?

Over the last few months I have received quite a few e-mails from readers requesting I open up another web-site to record my manifesto and chronicle more of my exploits. That's an outstanding idea and you all should be pleased to know that I am currently in negotiations with NFL runningback-turned-arms-dealer-turned-web-site-entrepeneur Moe Williams to purchase his web-site. Here is the transcript of our most recent correspondence from earlier this week:

MCSTALLEN
My credit good enough to buy you out, Moe?

MOE
Buy me out?

MCSTALLEN
Your web-site- I want to buy it.

MOE
You want to buy me out? No -- I buy you out, you don't buy me out --

MCSTALLEN
Your web-site loses money -- maybe I can do better...

MOE
You think I'm skimmin' off the top, Mikhael?

MCSTALLEN
No- You're unlucky.

MOE
You goddamn mercenaries really make me laugh -- I do you a favor and let Juan Boca post on my site when you're having a bad time, and then you try to push me out?!

MCSTALLEN
Wait a minute -- you let Juan Boca post on your site because his jibberish attracted readers and helped bankroll your web-site! And because the Molinari family guaranteed your safety- Now we're talking business -- let's talk business...

MOE
Yeah -- let's talk business, Mikhael. First of all, you're all done. You don't have that kind of readership anymore. Juan Boca's dead, right? You're old and you're getting chased out of cyber-space by Geocities and a bunch of pacifist teeny-boppers using their web-sites to protest violent idiots like yourself-- What do you think is going on here? You think you can come to my web-site and take over? -- I talked to Geocities -- I can make a deal with them, and still keep my web-site!

MCSTALLEN
Is that why you slapped Juan Boca around in public?

MOE
Whooaa...I gotta business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Juan and I, so I had to straighten him out...

MCSTALLEN
You straightened my former sidekick out?

MOE
He was writing posts entirely in Spanish two at a time! Readers didn't know what the hell he was trying to say! What's wrong with you?

MCSTALLEN
I leave for St Kitts tomorrow -- think about a price.

MOE
Sonofabitch! Do you know who I am?! I'm Moe Williams! I was strafing day-care centers in Nepal when you were going out with cheerleaders!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Moe's a tough nut to crack- he runs hard and bargains hard. If he doesn't agree to sell me his site I'll probably have to shoot him.

Uncle Redd's PigSkin Preview

So I caught up with Uncle Redd at that second wedding in Russia- I followed him into the men's room and and drew my firearm and shoved it up his ass and told him I was going to waste him. He started begging for mercy and offered to post some fantasy football tips on my blog in exchange for his life. I figured it was a great opportunity for me to finally get some American football stuff up on my blog since my knowledge of the sport is rather limited- so I took him up on the offer. I edited out most of the profanity and racial slurs, and posted his thoughts here...

Uncle Redd's Late Risers
Mike Anderson, RB Den -despite all the Tatum Bell hoopla, Anderson is slated to start for the Broncos. He rushed for 1500 yards and 15 TDs when he started in 2000

Carson Palmer, QB Cin -he has a great cast around him and all the requesite skills, so he should be ready to turn the corner

Drew Brees, QB SD -has looked sharp in the preseason and is picking up where he left off in 2004 - you may be able to steal him late because of the Antonio Gates hold-out nonsense

DeShaun Foster, RB Car -injury-prone but with tremendous upside- great big-play potential and right now he holds the #1-back spot

Reuben Droughns, RB Cle -a better fit for Cleveland's running game than Lee Suggs -will benefit from Suggs' preseason injury-problems

JP Losman, QB Buf- This second-year QB has everything you could ask for as he prepares for his first year as a starter- he has great size and skill, a great cast around him, no QB competition, and had a year to learn the system

Mewelde Moore, RB Minn- Michael Bennett may be starting for now, but Moore is the best fit at RB on the Vikes. Bennett is missing the next preseason game and may miss the opener, which could open the door for Moore

Brandon Jacobs, RB NYG -this giant Giant (6'4, 256 lbs) has impressed alot of people this preseason with his hard-nosed running

Laveranues Coles, WR NYJ -reunited with Chad Pennington, Coles should put up great numbers so long as he stays healthy

Chris Perry, RB Cin -a tremendously talented young running back currently held back from fantasy stardom by chronic injuries and the presence of team-mate Rudi Johnson. He's replaced Kenny watson as the Bengals featured back in passing formations

Thomas Jones, RB Chi -Jones may start every game this year for the Bears- Cedric who?

JJ Arrington, RB Ari -lots of fantasy pundits are predicting great things for this rookie- Denny Green loves to show-case his rookies, so Arrington will get plenty of opportunities early on. But Marcell Shipp is looming in the background like impending danger should Arrington falter, and Arrington could end up being the next Leeland McElroy

Frank Gore, RB SF- may get a chance to start if Kevan Barlow picks up where he left off last year. Had a fine collegiate career at Miami that was disrupted by several injuries




Uncle Redd's Busts
Cedric Benson, RB Chi -his hold-out is killing his fantasy stock. As Steve Spurrier once said, "Hindsight is 50-50," but what was Benson thinking making those ridiculous hold-out demands?

Ronnie Brown, RB Mia -can anyone run behind the Dolphins' offensive line? Line coach Hudson Hawk better get his act in gear

Michael Bennett, RB Min- he's had an injury-plagued career, and he has an injury-plagued 2005 preseason

Mike Williams, WR Det -currently the #4 WR on the Lions depth chart, behind Charles Rodgers, Roy Williams, and Kevin Johnson

Clinton Portis, RB Was -Jon Jansen's back, and Portis is 20 pounds heavier, but that still won't be enough when teams start stacking the box against the Skins because of their horrific passing game

Tatum Bell, RB Den -will eventually be the #1 back in Denver- but it may take time

Lee Suggs, RB Cle -injury-prone and not an every down back- look for him to slide into the role of third-down back -now it looks like he will sit out the next two weeks, opening the door for Reuben Droughns or William Green

Domanick Davis -I just don't have alot of confidence in him- injury concerns, competition, limited talent etc

Rudi Johnson -when Johnson and Chris Perry are both healthy, who's better?

Aaron Brooks -gets worse and worse every year. Jim Haslett should just take him into a field and shoot him

In Pursuit of Uncle Redd

In the business I am in (and when I say "the business," I mean "the industry"), you can't afford to lay idle and wait for work. At this point the Carson wedding mayhem is a mere afterthought, and it's time for me to move on to bigger and better things. So needless to say I was very happy when I opened a package in my office this morning and found dozens of photographs of the infamous wannabe dictator/pedarist "Uncle Redd" Martin.

Uncle Redd (center) seen here with two former KGB operatives at a wedding this past weekend in Belarus


Possessing a masters in American tax law and a felony child molestation conviction, Uncle Redd sought to take over several small Caribbean islands, enslave their native populations, and create a series of utopian tax shelters/child molestation communes- sort of like the Neverland Ranch but with better tax breaks. So in the 70s and early 80s Uncle Redd orchestrated a series of bloody and ultimately failed coups throughout the Caribbean that were intended to bring his dream to reality.

A frequent guest of the Johnny Carson show, Uncle Redd once quipped, "In my country I'll let my people talk all they want...from behind bars!" A free-thinking economic visionary, Uncle Redd also proposed clumping all national holidays together in order to reduce transaction costs. An "old school" tactical nuclear weapons proponent, Uncle Redd advocated randomly nuking Middle Eastern cities as a means of resolving any crisis in the region. Uncle Redd made alot of enemies during his escapades, but throughout his career he had the backing of Haiti's Duvalier family (both Papa Doc and Baby Doc) who helped him to consistently evade law enforcement personnel and contract killers. He disappeared in the mid-80s and the last I heard he was supposedly training the Zappatistas in Chiapas.

And that's all anyone knew for a while...But this morning I got a package from Jack the Bear who spotted Uncle Redd at a wedding in Belarus over the weekend and took dozens of pictures of him before Uncle Redd was eventually kicked out for repeatedly fondling one of the caterers and an ice sculpture of Josef Stalin. The Bear retired of course after he was shot in the back and nearly paralyzed by Juan "BigBalls" McGahee outside a Puerto Rican gay bar. But the Bear still owes me some favors, and I guess he felt passing on Uncle Redd's whereabouts was the right thing to do. The Bear also tells me Uncle Redd will be at another event in Russia next week to celebrate the anniversary of the recapture of Kharkov- and that's where I'm going to make my move. So now I'm heading to the old Soviet Union, and Uncle Redd's a dead man, he just doesn't know it yet.

Uncle Redd gets down and dirty with his escort while Jack the Bear (background) chears him on

Wedding Carnage

I would like to thank Evan Belgium, the white whale, Brant Emerson, Tshimanga Bradley, and everyone else who helped facilitate large amounts of carnage and bloodshed in St. Louis Missouri this weekend. Although Otis Carson escaped, I think enough people were killed that I was able to make my point. Here's my log from the weekend's festivities...

Friday 1800 hours- Bradley, Emerson and I parachute into the St Louis suburbs and take refuge in the home of fellow mercenary Evan Belgium, and set up a 50 caliber, PIAT and sandbags in the upstairs bedrooms. This will be our temporary HQ for the operation.

Friday 2100 hours- As we are planning our attack on Carson from a local watering hole, a buxom female bar patron unwittingly catches my eye, and I do the standard thing and threaten her with a butter-knife. The management is displeased, some idiot starts shooting, and we run out the back.

Saturday 0300 hours -Bradley, Belgium and I interrupt a drug transaction involving several enterprising St Louis youths outside a local bar. Belgium and one of the drug-dealing children begin to reach for their guns. But suddenly Ricky Beltran (left for dead by me several times in the last two months) appears out of nowhere in a pick-up truck and begins to yell at everyone and inexplicably flashes thousands of dollars of American currency. I reach for my panzerschreck but realize I left it in Tunis. Rats! More gun-shots erupt and everyone scatters. We look back in the direction of Ricky Beltran, but "poof," he's gone.


Saturday 1600 hours (H-hour)- As the wedding goers gather inside the chapel for Otis' wedding, I ready the explosive charges. After much preparation, I flick the detonator switches, but nothing happens. I flick them again. Still nothing. Something went terribly wrong, and the charges do not go off. My god now I know how those poor Krauts on Nijmegan bridge felt. Our back-up plan is for McGelboim to strafe the wedding party with the McStallen Attack Helicopter, but the helicopter remains grounded all weekend due to nasty St Louis fog patterns, and the back-up plan never comes into fruition.

Saturday 2200 hours- We flee to another bar to drink away our sorrows, vowing to locate and destroy at least one enemy village before we leave St Louis as a sort of consolation to the botched wedding massacre.

Sunday 0300 hours- Unable to locate such a village, Emerson, me, Bradley and Belgium return dejected to Belgium's house and begin to cap off our night with a few rounds of Russian Roulette. Our fun is interrupted when Bradley hallucinates and begins seeing visions of an imagery accountant. He pulls his handgun from his waste and attempts to leave the house, clutching Emerson as his hostage.

Bradley states, "I'm taking the bookkeeper and I'm walking, Belgium. Me and the bookkeeper are walking out of here, getting into a car, and driving away. Or else he dies... and you got nothing!

Evan shakes his head in disapproval and asks me, "You got him, McStallen?"

I say, "Yeah, I got him."

Emerson yells, "I'll talk Belgium- I'll tell you everything you want to know!"

Bradley mumbles something about his friend Charlie and tries to count to three.

Evan interrupts him and says, "Take him!"

I shoot Bradley in the head and blood and guts spill all over Belgium's terrifyingly underfurnished home. Bradley stumbles over a bean-bag chair and then tumbles to the ground dead. We molest his corpse with fresh fruit, which I guess is a St Louis thing.


Sunday 0800 hours- A few of Carson's underlings track me down and try to break into Belgium's house and kill me. We capture them, urinate on them, and then execute them in the bathroom. And then urinate on them again. And then we mop up the mess.




God what a weekend

The Wedding Crasher/ Bud Selig War Criminal

Friends,

I am writing from a safehouse in Panama City, Florida (USA). I recently circled the coast of Africa like the great Vasco DeGama on a fast moving cargo ship, and then made it into the continental United States on a rubber raft, undetected by these American "Coast guard" imbeciles.

I am readying myself for a trip that will entail much violence and blood-letting. My arch-nemesis Otis Carson plans to finally carry out his wedding this upcoming weekend. The wedding is to take place in St Louis Missouri and it is my opportunity for vengeance. I am going to string claymores all around the wedding grounds, and then McGelboim will be riding in on the McStallen attack helicopter laying snake and nape. Then I'll probably run around the wedding grounds with an AK-47 mowing down survivors. Sort of like a bad episode of "Dynasty." Sounds tricky, but we already have the McStallen attack helicopter stored in a warehouse in East St Louis, so this should be just like shooting monkeys in a barrel


And I must comment on this troubling news about our old Cuban acquaintence Mr. Rafael Palmeiro, whose niece I once helped smuggle into the United States in exchange for a case of 2001 Texas Rangers autographed baseballs. Palmeiro is a cheater. That makes 4 of the top-10 all-time homerun hitters total cheaters- Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds and Raffy. These evil-doers perpetrated this fraud under MLB Commissioner Bud Selig's watch. Mr. Selig was a small-minded backwoods Wisconsin twit, and this simpleton was easily impressed by a mindless homerun, much in the same way that a small child would be. Mr. Selig condoned this unnecessary, nonsensical homerun barrage that destroyed over a hundred years of sacred baseball records in a few seasons. Millions of baseball fans will forever feel the effects of Mr. Selig, just as millions of Cambodians will forever feel the effect of Pol Pot, just as millions of Chileans will forever feel the effect of Augusto Pinochet, just as millions of small business owners will forever feel the impact of Ronald Reagan.

And How did this Mr. Selig ever come into power in the first place? ...because he made alot of money selling cars in Wisconsin and owns a baseball team there? Jesus Christ, everyone from Wisconsin is an idiot. And that makes Selig the king of the idiots, so don't give him any credit for what he did there. Even the most savvy businessman in Wisconsin would run a business into the ground in a competitive city like Chicago, New York or DC. Comparatively speaking, a Wisconsin car tycoon is about as financially competent as a New York homeless man. People from Wisconsin should not be put in charge of anything on a national level. They just aren't smart enough to handle it. And all they do is interact with other idiots from Wisconsin- which just makes them stupider- but some of these morons think they are intelligent just because they beat those other idiots in a battle of wits. Shame on you Bud Selig you war criminal, Go back to selling cars to illiterate Wockashaw pig farmers.