Trouble at the Diner

So I was driving up through the Pacific Northwest in a Greyhound bus, hoping to make it to Canada and then maybe do some sight-seeing- as a child, the great Mills used to tell me stories about the wonderful sites of Canada and its serene beauty- this included the vast wilderness of the Yukon, the Canadian capitol building that Mills was ejected from due to open and obvious intoxication, the wonderful Canadian horse tracks and betting parlors, the multi-cultural strip clubs of Montreal , and the fine art galleries that were filled with beautiful works the Germans had taken during the Second World War. I couldn't wait.

I got off the bus to grab a cup of coffee at a diner in Hope, Washington. There were a couple scruffy looking fellows outside- locals - so I brought in my panzer schreck just in case things got violent. The cashier looked at me strangely when I came in, and said, "I'm sorry sir- but you can't bring that panzer schreck in here."

I spit on her and kept walking.

Once inside, a little boy started staring at me, and mimicing the way I was drinking my coffee. I gave him the look of death, but he continued, unabated. I throat-slahed him with my middle finger.

Then some men starting pointing at me- apparently they identified me as one of the mercenaries who led the raid on New Baumstark. They flagged down a waitress and sent her over to me.

The waitress approached me. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave." I said. I figured I would beat her to the punchline, and maybe confuse her a bit. She was not amused.

"Sir, those men over there said you invaded America- I'm sorry but we don't serve your kind of people in this diner. You gotta leave." she said.

She was big and fat, and I was a little scared.

"Look ma'am, I'm just sitting here, drinking my coffee." I said.

"Sir don't make me get rough." said the waitress.

"Oh you want rough? How about I put a panzer schreck round in between your eyes?!" I asked.

At that point she screamed at me and told me to calm down.

"Look, I'm just sitting here, drinking my coffee- I'm perfectly calm." I responded.

"Calm- waving that god damn panzer faust around!?" screamed the waitress.

"Calmer than you are." I said . (I didn't address the fact that the waitress had confused a panzer schreck for a panzer faust.)

"Look sir- you're going to have to-" she started. I was going to interrupt about the Supreme Court roundly rejecting prior restraint, but at that moment our pleasant little debate was interrupted when a half-dozen ATF agents burst into the diner, their Tec-9's trained on me. One of them, who bore a striking resemblance to oft-injured catcher Mike Piazza, said : "Drop the panzer schreck McStallen- you're coming with us."

So here I was just trying to get a god damn cup of coffee, and now the United States federal government comes barging into a PRIVATE establishment and arrests me for NO reason. This was really just a big slap in the face to all the hard work I did in New Baumstark. As they cuffed me and threw me in the back of a Humvee, I prepared myself for the worst, because I knew due process didn't apply when it came to dealing with these savages.