Monday, July 30, 2007

Invasion U.S.A.

The jump itself was pretty god damn hairy. Things went pretty smooth for most of the trip. But once we hit the Rockies we started taking flack. A couple transport aircraft went down, and several others took heavy damage. A glider flying right next to me carrying two-dozen highly trained Moscow circus bears took a direct hit from a stinger and went up like the a roman candle. Poor bears- never even knew what hit them. But by the grace of Lenin, my plane made it through all that and we were ready to jump at 1200 feet. I jumped next to my old buddy Crotop the Moldovan Bear- a former Soviet paratrooper, I knew Crotop would look after me on the jump. He packed my chute, checked my oil, and I was good to go. I told him to save the reach-around until after we hit the ground, and he agreed.

The jump itself was fine- Crotop fired a bazooka round while in free fall- the round slammed into the broad side of a barn and blew the crap out of it. Got the hen house as well, and badly damaged the pigeon coup. Our spotters said some shrapnel even landed in the pig pen. That was the only bazooka round Crotop had with him, but he got the most out of it. Some would argue that he should have saved the round for something more threatening- such as an enemy tank- but dammit you only get so many chances to blow up captive enemy livestock while free falling- you have to take your shot when you get it.

Once we landed we had to secure our four drop zones for re-supply. We managed to hold onto three, but the blasted Colorado National Guard over-ran the fourth one. We had to fight tooth and nail up a ridge to our objective, but finally made it to New Baumstark, a sleepy and creepy Colorado town with a vital bridge that we had to capture.

After several days of fierce fighting, we captured the town and the bridge. Comrade Commissar Vander Nutz, our propaganda minister, commandeered the library and demanded they burn all their books as well as any handicapped individuals. The librarians were a bit puzzled, but complied. We enlisted the help of a brutal American criminal genius, the sinister Pacman Jones, to round up any trouble-making citizens, place them in outdoor holding pens, and crush any resistance. For my part, I drove around the town with my squad of crack Soviet stormtroopers and tipped over porta-potties, egged the elderly, urinated on cable dishes, and committed similar acts of espionage and terror designed to cause widespread panic and instill fear among the local population. They needed to know that resistance was futile.

To round out our crew we also hired B-movie character actor Danny Trejo to intimidate and whip the locals. I wanted Robert Davi, but Mr. Davi indicated he was appalled by our attack on his homeland and declined our offer. At any rate I think Mr. Trejo is a nice little pick-up on our part- not an evil dictator that you can build a major military around, but more of a complementary back-of-the-rotation bully that will eat alot of innings. Championship armies need guys like that.

Pacman Jones captured the leader of the local resistance, and everyone laid down their arms except for a few teenagers that fled into the mountains- I'm sure that's the last we'll hear from them- I wouldn't expect a half-dozen untrained teenagers to be able to mount any sort of insurgency against our highly professional and heavily armed forces.

And I have good news from Afghanistan- Although we have not located Enemy of the State #1, Domanick Williams (formerly Domanick Davis)...our contact in Kabul reports that we have captured his #4 man, Christopher Cooks, who was Domanick Williams' former high school coach. Our commandos raided an Afghan village in which Mr. Cooks was conducting a pee wee football clinic - I was told Mr. Cooks was actually captured while being unexpectedly tackled from behind by a commando as he was attempting to show some children how to punt. They said the commando used good form on the tackle before dropping and bludgeoning Mr. Cooks. I'm happy the kids got to see a good open-field tackle at no additional charge. Maybe there will be some future special teamers out of that lot- some budding little Afghan Steve Taskers if you will. Oh hello boo.


Anonymous Mike Manos said...

faaaawkkk McStallen, good to have you back.

5:14 PM  
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