More of McStallen's Email Bag of Terror

I tracked across Africa a bit, and I'm just resting on an abandoned tank on a little beach on Lake Victoria, and I figured I'd "take five" and answer a few reader emails.
Here goes...

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McStallen, I think your blog's violent content is very tasteless and troubling and has no place in society.
-Bundy

Conflict and anarchy are coming to your neighborhood very soon Mr. Bundy- and you will need to be prepared- So when armed bands are speeding down your block in pick-up trucks maniacally firing AK-47s at everyone and everything, or when the Chinese tanks roll through your town's Main Street, you'll thank me for doing my best to prepare your community for the sanctimonious carnage on the horizon.
Remember- the organizing principle of any society is its capacity for war-making. And the final stage in any military campaign is the mobilization of the children. -M


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Mr. McStallen,
I have tried to trade with this very stubborn man in my fantasy baseball league. I have offered him great deals, including Kent Merker and Danny's Baez for Huston Street and Miguel Cabrera. This Cabrera is very over-rated- everyone knows that. I am just trying to do my friend a favor and take Cabrera off his hands. But still he resists, and quite frankly, I am at my wits end. Should I persist, and perhaps throw in Tomah Ohka, Luis Vizcaino or Paul Assenmacher? Or should I just cut to the chase and kill everyone in the league?
-Anthony K.

Anthony, I think you really need to give this guy your best offer before resorting to mass murder- try throwing out Robb Nen or Dean Biasucci and see if he bites. -M


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Mr. McStallen,
With my back against the wall, and the entire world aginst me, I was duped into trading Steve Smith to a predatory owner in my Yahoo! fantasy football keeper league. I don't think I can get this Smith fellow back through conventional barter- the predatory owner is far too stubborn for that- So I plan to kill him. Will that work?
-Anthony K.

Anthony, thanks for writing again. I would email Yahoo Customer Care first and see if they will transfer ownership of Steve Smith to you if you kill his present owner- if they will, then you should go through with it. -M

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Do they sell Budweiser in the Sudan?
-Tim M.

What do you care Tim? The only way you'll ever leave St. Louis is in a body bag, you pathetic pud. -M

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Mr. McStallen,
I am unable to consummate any transactions in my fantasy baseball league. My negotiations have failed because the other "owners" in the league are conspiring against me and have made concerted refusals to deal. I have exhausted all administrative remedies, including statutory relief granted by the Smoot-Hawley tariff. Alas the government will not help me... Should I take the law into my own hands and murder the other owners in my league?
-Anthony K.

Anthony- thanks for all the emails- I am starting to notice a few themes here...I think you take these fantasy sports too seriously and all too often are projecting false feelings and motives on people and/or reading too much into their actions. I think you should relax and maybe just let some stress out by lobbing a few grenades at the handicapped seating section of a sporting contest. Most of those phonies can walk. -M
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Ah Mr. McStallen,
I find myself writing to you once again for additional counsel. Would you be so gracious as to answer one final query?
You see, for the last 3 months I have been stalking this alcoholic horse-trader that I shall refer to as only "Mills." This man Mills is terminally ill with many diseases, and I believe he will die before the year is through. Terminal illness notwithstanding, I also believe it is my manifest destiny to slay Mills, and repeated efforts to do so have been stymied by malfunctioning weaponry. Should I persist in my efforts to kill Mills? ...or should I move on to other prey and let Mother Nature take care of things for me?


Anthony, that's a really good question. I think you should take one more crack at him and then if it doesn't work, just move on. -M

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OK children, that's all for now, I'm going to take a nap and will write more later.

Backpacking Through Darfur

So I've been out of mercenary work for a bit, and this happens from time to time. Usually there's a real lull around the holidays, and then sometimes you get hiring freezes if there's some big international conflict spilling out of control or something, and then you can even get some dry spells throughout the year.

And I had been loafing around for a bit, and I decided to take a little vacation and try to make the most of my time off. I grabbed a backpack, a few light firearms, my lap top, and my Panzerschreck, and headed to Western Sudan to backpack around the bucolic Darfur region that I have read so much about.

I flew into Sudan as a passenger on my friend Ricky Beltran's cargo plane, and then parachuted out over Darfur. After landing, the first thing I noticed was the sense of anarchy- you could just feel it in every bone in your body. Sort of like the first time I got off a plane in St. Louis Missouri (USA), and I turned to my father and said, "Do you feel that Papa McStallen? ...That's racial tension."

And so the first couple days in Darfur were bliss. I walked peacefully around the ravaged countryside, taking pictures of the charred structures, burning homes, bomb craters etc. I used my metal detector in some of the ruins and came up with alot collectible Sudanese currency.
I encountered bodies here and there, and on a few occasions I would prop the body up and take a "novelty" picture of me pretending to engage the deceased in conversation- they were real hit or miss- but I think a few came out quite well, especially ones where I set it up so we were all looking in different directions.

Along the way, I met a few children that were missing limbs, and I felt badly for them, so I gave them some of my surplus grenades to play with. And I made sure to tell them that if they were just playing catch with a friend, they should not pull the pins- not even pretend to as a joke. The kids really liked the grenades and took a bunch home, and two of the kids even asked if I was Santa Clause- but then I told them that Santa Clause doesn't come to Africa.

And then I spent my nights sleeping out in the open sky, sipping vodka and using my sniper rifle with silencer and infrared scope to pick off some of the hapless local militia that had the misfortune of conducting their nighttime patrols with-in rifle range of me.

So on the third day I awoke to the sounds of a government chopper hovering above- they were probably tipped off by the local militia- and they began to pound my position with their .50 cal. So I dove into a roadside ditch and got ready to return fire with my Panzerschreck.

As everyone knows, a Panzerschreck is an anti-tank gun, and it doesn't do much on aircraft. So I fired a round and of course it veered off about 10 meters from the chopper and then crashed harmlessly into an orphanage. Fortunately though, there was a big explosion, and the chopper crew must have thought I had a Stinger or something, because they hauled ass and took off.

So I got up, cleaned my Panzershreck, and then hiked up a steep ridge because I had heard a rumor that a southern Sudanese tank column was approaching from the west and might engage some of the amateur mechanized forces of the local militia.
And I was curious to see some tank battles- fighting in the desert is very different than fighting in a triple canopy jungle- yes sir. The man in the black pajamas- a worthy adversary.

But as my luck would have it, the armored units went in opposite directions and there wasn't any fighting at all. So I threw my binoculars down with disgust, and to let out some stress, I fired a few mortar rounds at some near-by farmers trying to repair an irrigation ditch. And after the rounds hit, that was it for me- I decided to leave.

You see Darfur is one of these places that's fun to visit and stay at for a bit- but I wouldn't want to live there. Oppressive heat, almost no access to any sort of food or drinkable water, constant rocket and mortar attacks etc. I don't need that shit now.

McStallen's Fantasy Baseball Preview Part IV- Attack of the Corner Infielders! (and outfielders)

OK, the season has started and these "previews" are quickly growing stale. So I'll wrap things up with this post and be done with it.

1) Third Base
Holy shit I remember back when Mike Schmidt and Tim Wallach were the only two good third basemen in baseball. Well things have changed and third base is loaded.

Do not get left out in the cold in this position folks. I have a friend from America in an NL-only league, and he is using Joe Randa as his three-bagger. A couple of years ago that would have been OK, since most fantasy teams were starting marginal 3Bs. But now most teams have studs and you will lose out big-time (in relative terms) if you are starting some schlub like Mr. Randa- even in an NL-only league.

Here are 3 guys you can probably find late in drafts that should help you:

Aaron Boone- Boone hasn't played well in years, and no one wants him on their fantasy team because of the threat posed by super-prospect Andy Marte. That might not happen until 2007- so don't be afraid to cut one of your bench scrubs like Reggie Sanders or Gustavo Chacin and sign this guy.

Edwin Encarnacion- struck out 3 times yesterday. But it's going to be real hit n' miss with him, so take the 120 Ks if it gets you 30 homers.

Ryan Zimmerman- Zimmerman is an elite prospect who has been handed the Nationals thirdbase job without any competition. He should thrive, but be careful, he has had some real fielding problems and this could lead to playing time problems down the road.


2) Firstbase
Here are 5 under-rated first baseman-This position is loaded...

Connor Jackson- Super-prospect who tore up the minors last year and then tore up pitching during spring training in 2006. Had 2 hits in the opener and could work his way into the role of clean-up hitter. I just wish he gets traded to Boston some day so one day I can hear one of those despicable bean-eaters say "Fawkin Connah Jacksin"...

Scott Hatteburg- if Hatteburg gets the at-bats, he could smack 30 homers as a Red. But beware he'll probably sit against most lefties. He hit a homer in the season opener.

Mike Sweeney- a very solid hitter who plas on a terrible team- he has a little protection (Reggie
Sanders, Matt Stairs) so if he stays healthy, he could put up nice OPS numbers.

Casey Kotchman- Kotchman has been a hyped prospect for a few years, and this year he appears ready to produce. He ripped up opposing pitchers during spring training, and went 1-3 with an RBI in the opener.

Jim Thome- you've heard the name before...well Mr. Thome should rebound nicely, back in the AL, DH'ing on a team that plays in a hitters' park. He's homered in both WhiteSox games already- so there's a huge ceiling for him. IF you drafted him, congrats. Just don't get snookered into trading alot for him, because he's old and coming off an attrotious season.


3) Outfield
The outfield is weak- I think there are more good fantasy first baseman than outfielders, even though there are three times as many starting outfielders.
But here are some guys to look out for:

Brad Wilkerson- Wilkerson is playing through injuries, but when healthy, he should thrive as a Ranger. 1B-OF eligible.

Jonny Gomes- Put up great numbers last year- doesn't quite have the pedigree of alot of other star outfielders, but this guy is a great day-day deal. He went 2-4 in the 2006 season opener, with a dong. 21 HRs in 348 at-bats. Only problem is that he needs to cut down on the Ks- He was on pace last year for 200+ had he played a full season.

Eric Byrnes- the streaky Byrnes is playing in a hitter-friendly park, and could post career highs. If he gets off to a hot start, he could lock up the #1 or #2 spot in the D-backs lineup, and that will certainly help his production. Byrnes had 3 hits in the season opener.

Austin Kearns- Kearns has been a hyped fantasy prospect for years, who still hasn't arrived. In fact I recall having him on my 2002 team- and cutting him. But this year it may all click- there's no more Wily Mo Pena, Jose Guillen, Ruben Mateo, Reggie Taylor, Juan Encarnacion etc to steal playing time, and Kearns will be given a full shot to make it. It's on him- if he stays healthy, he could be very serviceable.