Friday, September 30, 2005

Government Raid/More Worthless Football Picks


I killed a man today. It was the first man I killed in 3 months. Granted it wasn't the first person I killed in 3 months, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway he was a young guy, maybe 18 or 19, unarmed, manning a guardpost with a pair of binoculars on the outskirts of a northern Chad desert village believed to be harboring rebel forces. Anyway I crawled up within about 50 meters of the guardpost and got him with the cross-bow. Arrow went right through the throat and he had it. With the guard eliminated, the government commando unit busted in and met little resistance. My squad leader, who is about 45 years younger than me, congratulated me on the shot. We searched the village up and down but didn't find anything. I guess we have these rebel forces on the run because a few months ago vilages like these used to often contain weapons caches and equipment. Anyway everything went smoothely and I really felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. And the best part is that no one got hurt - well except just the guy I killed with the cross-bow- but he probably had it coming to him.

I haven't paid much attention to the NFL recently, so I thought I'd forward along some NFL picks I have recieved from some of my loyal readers:

Arizona (giving 2 1/2) covers vs. San Fransisco
"It's gut-check time in San Fran. If we lose we're the worst team in the NFL. If we win we're just a young up-and-comer that got off to a bad start. We're at home and I'm guaranteeing a victory- and that we cover- so take Arizona giving 3 to San Fran."
Denny G, Phoenix AZ, USA

Detroit (getting 6 1/2) covers vs. Tampa Bay
"Tampa Bay is off to a nice start, but we had a bye and we're playing a must-win game. We're going to try and finally establish the run and hopefully wear these clowns down. And what the hell- we're getting 6 1/2. Tampa Bay only beat Green Bay by a point last week- failing to cover- so I don't think Griese and wil beat uus by 7."
Tshimnaga Bradley, Gross Point Mich, USA


Buffalo (even) covers vs. New Orleans
"The Katrina hoopla is fading and so is the Saints' morale - Joe Horn is a game-time decision and the 'Aints got nothing to play for. Buffalo's an up-and-comer, fresh off a 140-yard performance from Willis McGahee. Sure the Saints are the 'home-team,' but what kind of homefield advantage is that?"
Kyle R, Buffalo New York

Houston (getting 10) covers vs. Cincy
"Folks we could see the Bengals in the Super Bowl. They got great odds so lay some money out now. But as for this week, the Texans are fresh off a bye and likely have some perverbial tricks up their perverbial sleeves. Ten points is alot to cover- so take a chance on the Texans and their new offensive coordinator."
Homer Van Meter, the Midwest

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Mucking thru the Desert/ Uncle Redd's Week 3 PigSkin Picks!

Who would have thought at my age I'd still be humping through the bush like an 18-year old raw recruit? Well that's what happened here- basically Horny Ed needed every swinging-dick he had in the field, and my assignment in Chad has evolved into a bloody search and destroy mission for the government of Chad. Basically, we drop alot of bombs and then walk through the desert like ghosts in a landscape, searching for opposition forces. Well here I am - anonymous all right, with guys nobody really cares about - they come from the end of the line, most of them, small nation-states you never heard of- Lesotho, Gabon, Comoros, Kiribati, Turkmenistan, Wampum, Pennsylvania. Two years of elementary school is about it, and maybe if they're lucky a job waiting for them back at the local rice paddie or irrigation ditch- They're the bottom of the barrel -that's why they call them 'grunts'- cause a 'grunt' can take it- can take anything. They're the best I've ever seen - maybe I've found it finally, way down here in the sand - maybe from down here I can start up again and be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it- like Gandpa in the Boer War- maybe I can see something I don't yet see, learn something I don't yet know ...
----------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for all the soul-searching- anyway Uncle Redd has e-mailed me his "NFL week 3 PigSkin Picks"- feel free to gamble away all your life-savings on a few paragraphs of his drivel:


Sunday
Jacksonville at the Jets- folks I have been talking up the Jags all year- now it's time to get on the bandwagon and start winning money with me- take the underdog Jags in this one- they're getting three points and they have been nothing but spectacular this year. They covered last week against the Colts and an injury concern to Byron Leftwich and Donovan Darius has bettors taking the home team in this one. But Curtis Martin is dinged up and the swarming Jags defense will cover- I shit you not

Carolina at Miami- Miami is improving, at home, and getting 3 1/2 points. But I say "So what!" The Panthers are an elite team playing solid smash-mouth football and they will win and cover. Miami has a great defense (and many bettors are still sore that the Fish beat Pats near the end of last year) so don't expect too much scoring. Expect alot of running early on from both teams, and expect to see the Panthers wear down the Dolphins on the ground- the combination of Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster is alot more potent than Ronnie Brown. Stud DT Kris Jenkins is out for the Panthers, but the Panthers stopped Corey Dillon cold last week sans Jenkins.

Tampa Bay at Green Bay- The Bucs are giving 3 1/2 despite playing in Lambeau, but I say take them anyway. Tampa Bay is emerging as a very solid play-off contender and Green Bay is a dog-shit franchise. The Packers' defense is terrible and Tampa Bay will score early and often. If you saw Braylon Edwards' or Steve Heiden's TDs last week, you'd know exactly what I mean. Expect a blow-out, and some last-game heroics from Burt Favre that come up about 10-15 points short. But remember, the Packers are the underdog and the game is in Green Bay, so check the weather report before you lay down any money...

Monday Night
Kansas City at Denver- Time to double-up on Monday night to make up for all your Sunday losses. And it's time to take the Chiefs. The Chiefs have played sound football this year and are getting 3 points. I think they pull out a victory. The favored Broncos have home-field advantage, but that's about it. Their backfield is a mess and their passing game is very inconsistent. Gamblers are high on them after they snuck out a victory over the 0-2 Chargers last week, but I don't think they can pull it off two weeks in a row. After years of tinkering, the Chiefs are finally playing the type of solid football under Dick Vermeil that Vermeil's Super Bowl Philadelphia and St Louis teams played.

Not with a 10-foot pole...
The 0-2 Vikings are garbage and are favored against the emotionally charged New Orleans Saints. Folks, no one really knows how good or bad the Vikings are yet- that will all come out over the next few weeks- so either team has the capability to win this game by 20-30 points, and they both have their backs against the wall, so stay away and don't lay any money down on this one, because anything can happen here...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Killing time (and people) in Chad


I made my way to Chad with McGelboim. He chided me for failing to provide any background data about him on my previous blog postings. Well here goes- McGelboim is an ace pilot who comes from a family of distinguished mercenary pilots- his grandfather claims to be the first man to ever drop an incindiary bomb on a population center. And his mother claims to be the first woman to have done so.

To the right, here I am saying "Hi" to some of the nice citizens of Chad

Anyway so we were just hanging out killing time playing a game called "Toss the Baby." If you're unfamiliar with the game, it goes something like this- two people scan the streets for a woman with a baby carriage. When you find one, the one guy distracts the woman, while the other runs up to the carriage, grabs the baby, and throws it as far as he can. Then you both run like hell. Sort of like "ring and run," although it pisses people off alot more. And if you can't find a baby, you could try a dog or a cat, but be careful because they bite alot more than babies.

Well we did that for a bit but then it got too hot and we ducked into a local bar for a cool drink. In the corner of the bar I saw an old friend of mine, Horny Ed. Ed goes way back with American intel- pre-dating the CIA - so this is OSS real old school covert ops. God Ed's about 10 years older than me. So one old war horse to another, I asked him what was going on and then quickly got down to business. I told him I was out of work and had been shot numerous times over the past few years, and was looking for an assignment that wouldn't entail too much leg work.

Well Horny Ed told me he was in Chad because he expects something big to go down. He wouldn't get too specific but he said several Western intelligence organizations are setting up shop here. He expects things to get a little hairy and he needs some help. I offered to be his consiglieri for the duration of the operation, but he told me he didn't think I would be a good war-time consiglieri. Nevertheless he offered me some work as a body-guard and contract killer for him. He told me to just lay low and wait for him to get back to me- he also wanted me to knock off the baby-tossing because he figured that might draw too much attention.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

McStallen's New Orleans Relief Fund



Kruschev never had the balls to do it. Al quaeda couldn't do it. Tojo didn't have the resources to do it. Pancho Villa tried but couldn't do it. But an incompetent mayor, mother nature, and the pathetic dispositions of 400,000+ ignorant complacent southern retards could do it.

What am I talking about? Why destroying an American city of course. And in the last one hundred years, no one has been able to destroy an American city, not until now anyway, when Hurricane Katrina turned New Orleans (Louisiana) into Atlantis meets Mogadishu. It is the 21st-century, yet the hapless civil engineers of the Big Easy were no match for mother nature, though they've been expecting a massive flood for hundreds of years, ever since the French constructed this soup bowl-esque city. New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin is "pissed" about the slow federal response- well hey Ray, maybe alot of outsiders are "pissed" that you don't know how to handle a hurricane, had absolutely horrific civic planning regarding the disaster, and that your citizens seem to be developing latent paramilitary complexes. This clown Nagin and his bungling beaurocratic cohorts negligently permitted this town to be protected with insufficient levies, allowing New Orleans to swept away like it was some ancient Babylonian city, and he had horrific contingency planning. But like all Americans, his first reaction is to blame outside forces for this. Christ Nagin, look in the mirror man!

And instead of coming together as people often do in times of trouble, the beleaguered citizens are blaming the rest of America for not coming to the rescue quickly enough, shooting at their would-be rescuers, looting for useless electronics, and just disgracing themselves as human beings. I don't think there're any people left in the city really- just animals.

And now I say we finish this city off once and for all. So I am starting the "McStallen New Orleans Relief Fund," in which I intend to permanently relieve the world of New Orleans by obliterating the city and its remaining inhabitants with a strategic bombing raid. Look, the city is screwed up and will cost billions and billions to fix. Yet I can make the entire problem go away for less than $500,000. Yes, that's right folks-less than $500,000.

"How?" you ask. I'll tell you how...With your help- I will need your donations. And for every $20,000 I receive in tax-deductible donations from you all, I shall drop one (1) 10,000-pound bomb on New Orleans. By targeting the few remaining functioning levies, the relief centers, any gas or fuel reserves, and any other nerve centers, I think I can wipe New Orleans completely off the map for $320,000 (16 total bombs). As you all know, the McStallen Assault Helicopter holds 18 bombs (though the children's toy version of the helicopter holds only 12), so this should all take about 20 minutes.

And every donation matters- no matter how big or how small- just so long as it's from the heart and helps pay for bombs that kill people. So even if it's just fifty cents, -yes, that's right, as little as the price for a cup of coffee- I'll make sure your money counts and blow some people up for you.

And I know many of you are troubled that the corrupt incompetent southern bureaucrats responsible for this mess will be spared from the bombing as they are likely safe in their mansions on high ground, talking about how they're going to get the Duke boys. And that's a valid concern. But in time, maybe I'll devise a way to kill or imprison them as well. So my dear friends, please be patient.

As for now, I am asking all of you to dig deep from the bottom of your hearts and send me money. Time is running out and the urban population will be too scattered with-in 72 hours for this sort of bombing to be effective.

Please, send money now

Contact info:
Mikhael McStallen
187 Napalm Lane
Old Somersette
Saint Kitts & Nevis

Thank you