R & R in Mogadishu

Hello loyal readers!
I am typing today from the lawless land of Somalia, resting in a compound in Mogadishu. And what a glorious and gorgeous place it is. The country isn't governed by laws mind you, but it is governed by power. The weak are hunted and often mowed down for sport, and armed bands of Skinnies roam the streets at all hours in lightly armored vehicles. And there are wild dogs everywhere- that's the thing with Somalians- they love animals, but they hate people.


I'm not sure why, but yesterday a Skinny took a shot at me in the Bukara market. The little ass-hole missed, and I returned fire and blew his head off. The rest of the market-goers looked up for a second or two and then went on about their business. And I just walked out. No hastling, no paperwork, no nothing. It doesn't get any better than that. I think every blood-thirsty mercenary owes it to his or herself to make a pilgrimage out to Mogadishu at least once in their lifetime.

Now the key with the Skinnies is eye contact. Always make eye contact with them- it shows you're on the same page with them. And then they'll usually look back, acknowledge you, and move along. And that's fine- no trouble, nobody dies. The only time you have trouble is if they keep looking at you for 4 or 5 seconds or more. If they stare that long, you know they're going to try something. So you have to go at them first- shoot to kill and make sure to finish them off.

So anyway I was taken in by a local warlord named n'Dugu. Apparently several of his ships had recently been raided by Indonesian pirates, and he lost nearly 100 cases of rifles, some surface-to-air missiles, and even a WWII-era Soviet .45 mm anti-tank gun. He was really pissed about the anti-tank gun. n'Dugu had heard of my recent raid against the pirates off Borneo and was quite impressed- he told me I could stay in his compound as long as I wanted. He hated those bloody pirates, and I spent many hours recounting the raid, going into all of the lurid details.

I would like to stay here- I feel safe and comfortable here and I don't think there's another place on earth like it- but I swear I saw an Algerian agent in the Bukara market today and I think the Algerians are onto me. They've been trailing me off an on since I bombed a few cafes in Algiers and Tunis in '03, but I've always managed to stay a few steps ahead of them. So I'll have to go soon in order to stay ahead.

Garrison taken! / Beane Ball

The night push worked like a charm and we took captured the garrison and killed all those bloody pirates. We killed nearly half the pirates in actual armed combat, and then as per orders, executed the remaining survivors after they threw down their arms and begged for mercy. Mercy? You've come to the wrong place fella. I don't do mercy.

We took alot of casualties on the last push, so my men really enjoyed finishing off those damned pirates. We even saved their parrot for last. So although the attack went well, troubling news soon followed. Apparently this Suharto fellow, who played himself off to me as the "president of Indonesia," has been out of office since 1999. I guess he figured I wasn't that up on world politics, and he guessed right. So when I found out, I instructed McGelboim to attack Suharto's command bunker in Sumatra with the McStallen assault helicopter to exact swift and complete revenge on Suharto. Unfortunately Suharto and his cronies had already fled to one of the other islands. So although McGelboim blew up alot of people, he was unable to kill anyone actually involved with all this. Just lit up a bunch of "innocent" people I guess. But you know how I feel about that- no one's innocent- not me, not you, not Mother Theresa, and not some dumb bastard Sumatran fisherman. We all go through life with degrees of guilt and culpability.

Alot of people died, the mission was basically a set-up/sham, and I didn't get paid. So needless to say I think the whole operation was at best only marginally successful

So I feel bad. And seeing the baseball team of the insideous capitalist Billy Beane succeed is only making things worse.


The starters
Barry Zito- 5-0 in his last 6 starts, with a 1.17 ERA
Touchdown Joey Blanton-has dropped his ERA nearly two full points since June 1 (1.98 to be exact)
Danny Haren-has not lost a game since May
Rich Harden- yeah we all know he's really good at baseball

The closer
Huston Street- in 16 of his last 17 appearances, opposing teams have been unable to score an earned run against him

The bats
Nick Swisher- he just hit his 14th bomb of the season tonight, and has raised his average 50 points since June 1st
Eric Chavez- he just hit his 15th bomb of the season tonight and has raised his average over 60 points since June 1st
Jay Payton- has homered in 3 of his first 6 games as an A. Big ups to Mr Beane for rescuing him from the Red Sox bench

Still pinned down

Oh god well this is pretty bad right now but i managed to get back to our base camp and can finally post again. well children, as you may know my forces are still pinned down on hill 128

for those of you that don't know, i took up that offer for a bounty on those indonesian priates, and the indonesian government gave me fifty raw recruits and we had an amphibious assault on the pirate's island stronghold about 200 miles south of borneo

the landing went unopposed but the shit really hit the fan when we went inland. we took mortar fire from all over and they've got a machine gun bunker on the hillside. i can't see it but it's cutting my men to pieces. i was thinking about trying to bypass it by going around it through the jungle and hitting their camp from the south end of the island. but i just got an executive order from suharto or sukarno or whatever his blasted name is that i shouldn't be avoiding firefights and that i should just push ahead and go at them head on. god dammit i've bled with these men for 10 days and now i might be sending them all to their deaths. but that's the only way i'll get paid. property, this whole thing is about property

anyway we're going to make another push tonight. we're going all the way. all the god damn way. you either go all the way, or you don't go at all
hopefully we get that blasted bunker, and i'll get back to you about it- with pictures if possible

McStallen's Mailbag of Death Part II

Sorvatz P. writes, "McStallen, What do you plan to do with this Otis Carson fellow?"

You know how you get Carson? He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of your boys to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's how you get Carson. That's the St. Louis way. And I am planning one last attempt on the life of Otis Carson. If Carson escapes again, I shall declare an end to my personal war against him and even attend his wedding just to show everyone that I am a good sport about these sorts of things.


Gary Shapsteen writes, "I haven't heard much from Juan Boca recently. Where is he?"

'Ol Juan just went on a little fishing trip off Cape Girardeau with Carlos McGelboim. I don't think we'll see Juan around anymore.


Dan Michelless writes, "McStallen, What's with your man-crush on Placido Polanco? Is it like my non-sexual boy-crush on Tom Cruise?"

No Dan, it's nothing like your boy-crush on Tom Cruise.


Vladimir P. writes,"McStallen, you seem to know alot about American sports memorabilia. How much could I get for a New England Patriots american football championship ring?"

Fuck your mother.