In Pursuit of Uncle Redd
In the business I am in (and when I say "the business," I mean "the industry"), you can't afford to lay idle and wait for work. At this point the Carson wedding mayhem is a mere afterthought, and it's time for me to move on to bigger and better things. So needless to say I was very happy when I opened a package in my office this morning and found dozens of photographs of the infamous wannabe dictator/pedarist "Uncle Redd" Martin.
Uncle Redd (center) seen here with two former KGB operatives at a wedding this past weekend in Belarus
Possessing a masters in American tax law and a felony child molestation conviction, Uncle Redd sought to take over several small Caribbean islands, enslave their native populations, and create a series of utopian tax shelters/child molestation communes- sort of like the Neverland Ranch but with better tax breaks. So in the 70s and early 80s Uncle Redd orchestrated a series of bloody and ultimately failed coups throughout the Caribbean that were intended to bring his dream to reality.
A frequent guest of the Johnny Carson show, Uncle Redd once quipped, "In my country I'll let my people talk all they want...from behind bars!" A free-thinking economic visionary, Uncle Redd also proposed clumping all national holidays together in order to reduce transaction costs. An "old school" tactical nuclear weapons proponent, Uncle Redd advocated randomly nuking Middle Eastern cities as a means of resolving any crisis in the region. Uncle Redd made alot of enemies during his escapades, but throughout his career he had the backing of Haiti's Duvalier family (both Papa Doc and Baby Doc) who helped him to consistently evade law enforcement personnel and contract killers. He disappeared in the mid-80s and the last I heard he was supposedly training the Zappatistas in Chiapas.
And that's all anyone knew for a while...But this morning I got a package from Jack the Bear who spotted Uncle Redd at a wedding in Belarus over the weekend and took dozens of pictures of him before Uncle Redd was eventually kicked out for repeatedly fondling one of the caterers and an ice sculpture of Josef Stalin. The Bear retired of course after he was shot in the back and nearly paralyzed by Juan "BigBalls" McGahee outside a Puerto Rican gay bar. But the Bear still owes me some favors, and I guess he felt passing on Uncle Redd's whereabouts was the right thing to do. The Bear also tells me Uncle Redd will be at another event in Russia next week to celebrate the anniversary of the recapture of Kharkov- and that's where I'm going to make my move. So now I'm heading to the old Soviet Union, and Uncle Redd's a dead man, he just doesn't know it yet.
Uncle Redd gets down and dirty with his escort while Jack the Bear (background) chears him on
Uncle Redd (center) seen here with two former KGB operatives at a wedding this past weekend in Belarus
Possessing a masters in American tax law and a felony child molestation conviction, Uncle Redd sought to take over several small Caribbean islands, enslave their native populations, and create a series of utopian tax shelters/child molestation communes- sort of like the Neverland Ranch but with better tax breaks. So in the 70s and early 80s Uncle Redd orchestrated a series of bloody and ultimately failed coups throughout the Caribbean that were intended to bring his dream to reality.
A frequent guest of the Johnny Carson show, Uncle Redd once quipped, "In my country I'll let my people talk all they want...from behind bars!" A free-thinking economic visionary, Uncle Redd also proposed clumping all national holidays together in order to reduce transaction costs. An "old school" tactical nuclear weapons proponent, Uncle Redd advocated randomly nuking Middle Eastern cities as a means of resolving any crisis in the region. Uncle Redd made alot of enemies during his escapades, but throughout his career he had the backing of Haiti's Duvalier family (both Papa Doc and Baby Doc) who helped him to consistently evade law enforcement personnel and contract killers. He disappeared in the mid-80s and the last I heard he was supposedly training the Zappatistas in Chiapas.
And that's all anyone knew for a while...But this morning I got a package from Jack the Bear who spotted Uncle Redd at a wedding in Belarus over the weekend and took dozens of pictures of him before Uncle Redd was eventually kicked out for repeatedly fondling one of the caterers and an ice sculpture of Josef Stalin. The Bear retired of course after he was shot in the back and nearly paralyzed by Juan "BigBalls" McGahee outside a Puerto Rican gay bar. But the Bear still owes me some favors, and I guess he felt passing on Uncle Redd's whereabouts was the right thing to do. The Bear also tells me Uncle Redd will be at another event in Russia next week to celebrate the anniversary of the recapture of Kharkov- and that's where I'm going to make my move. So now I'm heading to the old Soviet Union, and Uncle Redd's a dead man, he just doesn't know it yet.
Uncle Redd gets down and dirty with his escort while Jack the Bear (background) chears him on
posted by McStallen at
1:31 AM
2 Comments:
I told you guys like I told coach. And like I said you know. Coach thought it was good I leave camp for some reason and like I said, well you know it was good because they thought it was best. And like I said that was what coach thought and not what I thought, but like I said, I'm not getting into it anymore with you all- like I already told you.
Christ, are you that starved for attention Mr. Owens that you must pollute my blog with your jibberish? Be gone and sin no more. Go Skins!
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