Monday, February 27, 2006

A Blundered Siege

So these past two weeks I've been training a company of mercenaries to mount a full-frontal assault on a Lebanese cave that the dastardly Sacramento Civil Servant is hiding out in. I was going to lead the charge myself, but I sprained my ankle playing a game of lawn darts in Tel Aviv over the weekend, and so I delegated authority and put the company's head NCO, Stavros, in command to lead the charge.
Stavros, a hulking Balkan, led the boys toward the cave, and we covered them with our two .88 batteries. I watched from an adjacent hillside and figured the whole operation would take a few minutes. But after about 15 minutes I could see they hadn't gotten too far, and I got a little impatient with 'ol Stavros....

Hello Stavros! Hello! How many emplacements did you locate? Did you knock any out? Over.

I don't know...I don't know sir...

What the hell do you mean, you don’t know?! What's the matter with you, Stavros? Those men should be reinforced immediately! What are they doing? They should be up and out, cleaning out those machine guns! Over!

I don't think you understand what's going on, sir. We've had... heavy casualties. We had a man... His gut got shot out on the slopes, sir. Created quite an upset. And for reinforcements, I have...two squads to-

Two squads! What the hell do you mean, two squads?!
Goddamn you, Stavros!When I say reinforcements, goddamn it, I mean it! You commit everybody- I mean everybody- you have there!

Sir, I must tell you, that I refuse to obey your order. My company alone cannot take that position, sir... The Civil Servant is too well dug in... He's got a well-manned bunker up there...We can't see it, and it''s chewing my men to pieces, sir.
I request permission for patrol reconnaissance to the right of the cave.
I have two witnesses here. I request that you do the same with witnesses there. Over.

Stavros, don't you pull this guardhouse-lawyer bullshit with me!!! Now, I know you're a goddamn lawyer!
But this is not a court of law.
This is a war- It's a goddamn battle!
....But if you feel that strongly, maybe you have a reason, so I'm coming down.

So I got off with Stavros and went to plan B...Borgnine was waiting in the McStallen assault helicopter on a spy ship in the gulf. I figured I would call him in and he'd fire a few rockets into the bunker, maybe even drop some snake and nape, and that would be the end of that.

I called his cell and didn't get an answer. I waited a minute and called again. Still no answer. I called a third time and left a message.
I waited another minute and called again but it went right to his voice-mail! The bastard had shut his phone off. I got young men getting shot to shit on that bloody hill, and that bastard is coppin Z's and too lazy to answer his phone.
Disgusted, I threw down my AK and left the battleground.

The shooting died down, and eventually the mercenaries took the cave. They took a few prisoners (which they promptly executed), confiscated some light ordinance, but of course they didn't get what we came for- the Civil Servant. He took off and split in the middle of the fighting like the paranormal coward that he is.

Later on in the day I was on-line checking my fantasy basketball scores, and I was feeling really good because it looks like my boy Josh Smith is really turning things around and starting to live up to his potential- more blocks than any other player in the NBA in the last month- and he's guard-eligible. That's some shit.
So just then Borgnine IM's me, and say he's sorry about not napalming the Civil Servant, and that he just fell asleep and he hoped everything went well. I didn't even respond- I was so hopping mad at him I was tempted to remove his name from my buddy list- I didn't of course, but I shit you not I was really close to doing it.