Interview with a Borgnine

Good day loyal readers. I realize I have been away for a while, and I apologize once again for my absence. Some things are going on right now that I can't really get into- without getting too specific, I'll just say that I kidnapped some Ukrainian scientists, stole a bunch of plutonium and am on a rickety school bus packed with nuclear explosives speeding towards the Nepalese border.

So things are a bit hectic. But I'm writing today not because of the imminent nuclear holocaust that I will probably cause, but rather because I recently came into possession with what I assert to be the Holy Grail of sociopathic paranormal mercenary paraphanelia.....
Yes- you guessed it- my buddy Borgnine got a hold of The Sacramento Civil Servant's illustrated daily diary and traded it to me for a bag of severed heads and a shoebox of ears. That's a steal if you ask me.

This is a diary full of passion and insanity, containing wisdom and insight completely alien to the human psyche. I can't keep it all to myself, so I figured I would share a recent passage with you in which the Civil Servant spouts off against his former friend Borgnine- here goes:


"Oh clever Borgnine, why have you forsaken me, you wolf in sheep's clothing?
I gave you my heart and my soul, my life and my Steve Smith, and all you gave me was Ahman Green via a three-way trade and a dagger through the heart.
Oh Borgnine I tried for many months to reconcile your recent devious behavior with the traditional upstanding nature of your character. And finally I saw the light, and now I see you for who you are- you are a heartless bastard.

You're just like all the others- all my other enemies- like the pint-sized bullies in the cafeteria in Marseilles, or the Jewish tailor in Lebanon, or the inter-mural beach volleyball coach at UCLA, or the lesbian park ranger in St. Louis, or the gizz-mopper claiming to be Randy Culture's life partner in Fresno, and all the rest. Just another traitor getting his or her jollies off of my destruction.

Why did you do this? I know why...because you have sold your soul to Gary- and I wished and hoped long ago that we were done with all this Gary nonsense. But I know now we will never be done with this Gary nonsense- well not until I make things right and end it my way.

So this is going to stop and all of you will pay for your treachery. And pay dearly you will, for the time has come, to say fair's fair. To pay the rent. To pay our share."


Yes boo, How can you dance when your bed is burning boo? My god quoting Midnight Oil is a new low even for the Sacramento Civil Servant, but fortunately it gets better a few paragraphs later. And if you want to read it, you'll have to buck up. I will be selling copies of the diary for $39.95- order yours today- the first 200 orders get a free 18-inch McStallen attack helicopter complete with McGelboim and McStallen action figures.


As always, I will be donating all proceeds to my relief fund to reconstruct the Berlin Wall. Send a check or money order to:

"Where there's a Wall there's a Way Fund"
c/o Mikhael McStallen and Nicoli Ceacescu
1348 Honecker Sq, Suite 411
East Berlin, 18345-AB-201

A Romantic Interlude

Oh my god my beloved readers it has been too long.

Well I would just like to apologize for my absence. I have been unavoidably detained in some romantic escapades. It is not often that I talk about women on this blog, and indeed I am still scarred by the death of my one true love in life, Appolonia, who was killed in a tragic car-bomb blast in Malta in 1968 perpetrated by a band of gypsies that were targeting me.

But being the hopeless romantic that I am, I had a month furlong with this blessed angel named Chow Mein. I really have to thank modern science, because without some recent developments such as the penis pump, mechanized testicle, or prosthetic anus, I dare say there would have been no intercourse at all.

And all this gratuitous defiling of course led to a great deal of writer's block. Some authors are able to use romance or romantic figures as their muse(s). But I draw my inspirations from pain, suffering and terror, and so this month of happiness has really been hard on me.

Fortunately, two days ago Chow Mein was run down in the street by a retarded milk-truck driver and rendered brain-dead, and that snapped me out of my sappy mental state. Reinvigorated, I contacted some old friends and tried to find a very violent mission that would pay me alot of money. So I'm shipping out to Borneo in a few days to meet up with my Bulgarian associate Borgnine, and his bodyguard Carson Pumper.

We've got a powerful Indonesian chieftain on retainer, and we will be carrying out some vengeance attacks for him on various persons and animals that have wronged him over the past few years- we've got a few hits planned already and we might even detonate a Buddhist temple depending on how everyone feels.

I shall write more in a few days- in the mean time please log onto e-Bay if you get a chance- I realize I no longer have any use for my penis pump, and I will be auctioning it off- my screen name is McStallen11@aol.com (same as my email)- all proceeds will go to my charity to rebuild the Berlin Wall.
Or you can just donate on-line (if_these_walls_could_talk.com)