An Incident at Kinko's

So I was just sitting there Sunday, listening to this old hick named Grampa Nuttelman spin yarns about his heroes like Bert Starr, Paul Horny, Marge Scott, and Teddy Higuera, and I just had it. I couldn't stay in that hell-hole another day. So I went upstairs, grabbed a back-pack full of clothes and my BAR, and decided to hitch-hike out of here. I am violating the terms of my plea bargain, but I just don't care.

I had been reading about some shit going down to Somalia. People have been running into those blasted Somali pirates again. Loyal readers will recall I had some trouble with a band of Indonesian pirates in July. And as many of you know, Mogadishu is to me what Mecca is to Arabs. So I just feel that's where I need to be- in the shit - in Somalia. So the plan was to go cross-country to California, and then sneak onto a freighter bound for East Africa.

I've made it to Sacramento CA, and I am in a Kinkos' copy store which features pay-by-the-minute internet access. So I am updating my blog, and sitting next to this well-dressed man in a suit who is scaring the hell out of me. He appears to be some sort of civil servant, but he is carrying many binders full of fantasy football stats and appears to be accessing numerous fantasy football sites. He keeps mumbling the phrase "Toma-oka," and is holding a nude doll of Steven Jackson in one hand, and a vintage WWII German potato masher grenade in the other. He's got a hunting rifle with an infrared scope in his back-pack- it takes skill to kill with a rifle- and I can tell this man is prepared to use it. I stared at him once out of curiosity, but he stared back at me- with this cold, lifeless look- like he was just seeing right thru me- I've seen it once before- about a decade ago in Srebrenica- and I could tell just by the look in his eyes that he had killed many people- probably more than me. Whoever or whatever he is, I know this evil figure parted ways with the rest of humanity long ago. And now he's starting to shake, so I can tell he's going to try something- so I'm going to log out in a minute and just try to leave real quietly- not make any sudden motions or anything like that. If all goes well I'll write when I make it to Mogadishu.