A Guest National Football League Prognosticator!

Friends

Well boy do I have a treat in store for all of you. I went down for a little R&R in Zimbabwe and ran into former Purdue Boilermaker and current Chicago Bear quarterback Kyle Orton who was vacationing there for his bye week. I cornered Mr. Orton and pleaded for him to give me his NFL week 5 picks. Although he was extremely intoxicated, he spewed forth several paragraphs of gridiron wisdom that I will pass along to my loyal beloved readers. Without further ado, I present to you my interview with Mr. Kyle Orton:

McSTALLEN:
Mr. Orton- my name is McStallen and I kill people. I am a fan of American football and would appreciate it if you could handicap some NFL picks for me- specifically your contest this weekend against the Browns of Cleveland Ohio. Fear not- in your intoxicated state you lack the requisite mental capacity to be charged with illicit gambling activities.

ORTON:
You say you kill people old man? Well you don't look so tough McStallen. What are you going to do ...Arrest me?

McSTALLEN:
No no - I simply want your football pick.

ORTON:
My what?
(pointing to a Somali recently killed in a knife fight on the other side of the bar)
Hey is that your friend over there on the floor? You know he died like a pig?

McSTALLEN:
What friend? Where?

ORTON:
I said your friend died like a stuck Irish pig.
(starts to comb his hair and walk away)
-you think about that when I beat the rap.

McSTALLEN:
Did he sound anything like THAT!!!!
(at this point I am infuriated, and do my best Charles Barkley impersonation and toss Mr. Orton out a bar window. Fifteen minutes later Mr. Orton comes to, and we resume the interview- this time he's tied up in a chair and I am standing a few feet away with my Browning Automatic Rifle aimed at his head)


McSTALLEN:
You have to answer for the Bears, Kyle.

ORTON:
McStallen, you got it all wrong...

McSTALLEN:
You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people. Ahhh that little farce you played - you think that could fool a sociopathic mercenary?


ORTON:
Wait- Sonny who? McStallen, I don't know -- I swear on the kids -- Please, McStallen, don't kill me!

McSTALLEN:
I'm not going to kill you- c'mon Kyle- You think I'd kill the Bears only serviceable starting quarterback? Just don't tell me you don't know who's going to win. Because it insults my intelligence -- makes me very angry...
So who's going to win? You or the Browns?

ORTON: (sobbing)
We're going to win...we'll cover- expect big fantasy games from Thomas Jones and newcomer Matt Bradley.


McSTALLEN:
Good. There's a camel waiting for you outside to take you to the airport. I'll call Coach Smith, and tell him you're on your way.

ORTON:
McStallen, please...

McSTALLEN:
Come on -- get outta my sight.