The 4th of July Comes to St. Louis, Missouri (US) a Bit Early

I don't like working in the United States. Things get pretty hairy there- lots of police and government forces, and us foreign nationals really have to watch our backs now that they have this blasted Patriot Act. What a bunch of shit that is. Three Super Bowl championships, now that's a Patriot Act. Nevertheless, every once in a while if the price is right, I end up somewhere in America, and usually destroy something or someone and take in a professional baseball game or two.

Anyway an old nemesis of mine, Otis Carson, is getting married in America in a few weeks. Carson and I traded a few AK-47 bursts in a refugee camp in Sierra Leone in '98, and he "rescued" an OPEC executive I was holding for ransom in Yemen in '02, which cost me millions. As revenge, I swore I'd ruin his wedding. But this bastard is pretty crafty, and he has been engaged eight times and staged a half-dozen mock weddings, all just to confuse me and draw me out. But I never took the bait and waited for the real one.

My American liason, the callous Evan Belgium, confirmed that Carson was planning to get married for real this August. Carson and Belgium served together in the American military in Vietnam, and they have a long-standing rivalry stemming from an argument they had when deciding which villagers to excute after they raided a South Vietnamese strategic hamlet suspected of harboring Viet Cong subversives. In the 1990s I frequently played Carson and Belgium off each other to further my own business interests. Carson and Belgium live in the decrepit, plague-infested midwestern town of St. Louis, Missouri (US) where everyone wants to know where you went to high school and the girl who dies with the tallest boyfriend wins. And what a mess it is driving in this town-it reminds me of Saigon '75, except without all those bloody North Vietnamese tanks.

So I devised a two-man mission for me and my new right-hand man, Carlos "The Jackal" McGelboim. Carlos is a former Mosad interrogator but the Israelis let him go because he cut off the wrong Arab's tongue. I left Juan Boca at home in my training camp in Tunis. Things could get rough here, and Juan's not really a war-time right-hand man. Even though Boca is a US citizen, I can't take the chance he would screw something up- not after the flame-thrower debacle last week in Sudan.

Carlos and I posed as American telephone repairman and drove to Carson's neighborhood. Carlos and I strung up about 1500 pounds of plastic explosives in the telephone poles around Carson's compund and we detonated them when we were a few miles away. I guess we used more explosives than we needed to, because the whole neighborhood started going up- very reminiscent of last week's fun in Sudan.



I'm not sure if we caught Carson with the blast. For now I am living in a small spider hole with a rustic pistol and my laptop in Evan Belgium's backyard, waiting to see what becomes of Mr. Carson and his treacherous wedding plans. Fortunatley SouthwesternBell does an outstanding job as a wireless internet provider, and I get hi-speed internet access from the spider hole.


National guardsmen scurry children along in the predominantly Asian St. Louis neighborhood that was devastated by the blast


And for more photos of the explosion, be sure and check out these copy-written snapshots here taken from the McStallen attack helicopter. I am trying to market a scaled down version of the McStallen attack helicopter as a children's toy. E-mail me at my hotmail account if you are interested in helping me finance the project.

Oh and I will close with the latest Placido Polanco news...Here's what Ken Rosenthal of the Sporting New wrote today, "The Phillies' trade of second baseman Placido Polanco for reliever Ugueth Urbina seemed like a good idea at the time, but the deal already looks like a loser. Urbina allowed five homers in his first 5 1/3 innings at hitter-friendly Citizens Bank Park. Polanco not only has given the Tigers a major offensive boost at second base, but also has emerged as a leader. ..."