Killing Hyman Mills
So I couldn't get Crotop a girl, and I went back to his compound a little dejected and expecting to be executed. I walked into his office and took a seat across from him at his desk. He was sipping on some borsh and cleaning his .45. I told him I couldn't find him a girl, and he looked at me somewhat sympathetically.
Then he rose to his feet and we talked...
CROTOP
Well McStallen, Did you see that old friend and business partner Hyman Mills is in the news? The superior court of Michigan turned down his request to live there as a returned Quaker. His passport's been invalidated except for Somalia. Mills is holed up in a heavily guarded hotel in Mogadishu. Mills did all my taxes and all the book-keeping for my mercenary work, and I think he's going to rat me out in order to get back into the United States. So I want you to sneak into that hotel and kill him. If you do that, we're even.
McSTALLEN
Ole moneybags Mills? He's a sick old man-his medical condition's reported as terminal -- he's only gonna live another six months anyway.
CROTOP
He's been dying of the same heart attack for twenty years. I want you to finish him off.
McSTALLEN
Crotop that's impossible -- if he is going to cop a plea, they'll turn him over to the Internal Revenue, customs, and half the FBI. It'd be like trying to kill the president -- there's no way we can get to him!
CROTOP
McStallen, you know you surprise me --if anything in this life is certain-- if history has taught us anything-- it's that you can kill anybody.
That Crotop is one stubborn Moldovan Bear. So I did what he said and went to find Mills and kill him. I went in through the back and was pleasantly surprised to see the hotel was unguarded. I snuck into Mills' hotel room and the whole place was a huge mess- beer cans, cigarette butts, AK-47 rounds, and golf balls everywhere. I caught Mills sleeping in bed- he was covered in vomit and beer and mumbling in his sleep about some Emerson kid never calling him back.
I couldn't bring myself to shoot someone who was passed out, so I shook him a bunch of times and tried to wake him up. But he was out cold and didn't budge. I fired a few AK-47 bursts in the room, hoping the gun-fire would wake him up, but it didn't work either. I shook him a few more times and then punched him. Still nothing. I punched him in the face again and chipped a tooth. Still nothing. So I urinated on him and left. Crotop will be pissed, but I live by a code of ethics, and I don't kill women, kids or people that are passed out unless it's by accident.
posted by McStallen at
9:44 AM
10 Comments:
Aww Millsy you look SOOOOOOOOOO cute sleeping there. I know right?
So Millsy did you hear? Did you hear the big news today? Well I'll tell you- this morning I woke-up. And then- and then I got out of bed- yes me- out of bed-- wait it's gets even more interesting- guess what I did next- oh my god- it's sooooo interesting- well next - next I had breakfast- yes me- it's so much better when I have breakfast than when you have breakfast because it's me having breakfast- yes me -and not you
More great stuff happened to me too, but you'll have to wait to hear about it because I can't talk now- I'm soooo busy today- so I don't have time to talk to you on the phone, but e-mail me if you and Hillary want to go on another double date with me and Kenyon tonight
Hey, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Jen. Melo had sex with Jen. I just filmded it.
No, Kenyon, you had sex with me too.
Correction: I had sex with Jen.
Jen
I can't help but feel that our friendship has become strained these past few weeks. I'd like to meet with you before work tomorrow in hopes we can, how you say, "iron out our differences," and re-establish the storng bond we once had between us.
I know you think I was wrong to kill that man with a dildo at UFC 68, but it was God's will and he would have done the same thing to me if he had the chance
Dear Sacramento Civil Servant,
We recently heard about your handy-work with one of our fine adult products. We dont know how you got ahold of a 25 inch flesh colored fake penis stamped with the "Doc Johnson" logo, since we do not currenly make a model of that size and girth. However, we write to you today to kindly ask if you would like to model our new arabian dildo collection. Its our hope that once that American patriot George W. Bush throws down those insidious animals in the persian gulf, we may bring both a new threshold of democracy and pleaure to the oppressed woman of that region. You can be a key player in the sexual liberation of faceless masses.
Yours Truly
Doc Johnson
dildobuffla@hotmail.com
Doctor Johnson
Your offer has certainly peaked my interest. But I must warn you first that I have killed every man who has ever laid his eyes on my penis, and I do not plan to change this practice.
So beware that your modeling campaign may have grievous results on many well-hung, strapping young beefy lads throughout the melting pot of customs, cultures, ideals and ideas that is the Middle East.
would mills really have a semitic name like Hyman? rumor has it that he is a raving anti-semite and anti-dentite.
apparently, when he found at this one guy was a dentist, he raped him and then killed him. when he found out he was jewish he raped him again.
did millsy shave his back?
It looks like Mills has an erection in that photo but I can't tell for sure. McStallen, can you send me an original copy of the picture so I can better examine it?
Or perhaps you can put a higher resolution scan on your blog?
Thanks
PS Edgar says "Hi"
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