The Peace is Broken! ... Amateur & Semi-Professional Baseball Review
Friends, I have terrible news vis-a-vis the insideous wounding of Juan Boca yesterday afternoon. Juan was returning home from a pet store in his native Trenton, New Jersey (USA), carrying several bags of tropical fish that he bought for his long-time girlfriend, Marisol.
Juan saw a neighbor and said, "Lookit these fish I got for my girlfren!"
The neighbor responded, "Nice trade!"
Then Juan began to open his screen door when several of the fish suddenly detonated. Apparently the fish had been rigged with tiny plastic explosives, and when they went off they blew Juan ten meters into the air. Fortunately, the portly Boca is insulated with several layers of baby fat, and much of the shrapnel was unable to penetrate his vital organs. Nevertheless he was taken to a local hospital and received dozens of stitches. Exploding tropical fish are a calling card of the loathed and despised Ricky Beltran, the two-bit mercenary who has now drawn the full breadth of my wrath. The peace is over- This assassination attempt on Boca is an act of war, and Ricky Beltran is a dead man walking as far as I'm concerned. You want a war Beltran? You got a war.
Juan scribbled wrote me a note that he wanted me to publish on this blog to let everyone know he is alive and healing. Here goes:
Frens
i was an injury by an exploden fish
but i gon to recommend myself in hospital and wil be soon
don ju worry!
-Juan
I honestly don't know what the hell he is trying to say, but anyway on to sports...As many of you know I spend alot of time covering professional American baseball. But what of the often-overlooked world of amateur and semi-professional American baseball? Today I am going to focus on three promising squads and some of their elite players in this often under-appreciated strata of American athletics:
1) The Sacramento Trojans -Baseball in the Pacific Northwest doesn't get any more hardcore than this. Check out a night-game in hitter-friendly San Juan High School and you'll see what I mean. Jim Miramontes and Tony "CoCo" Khoury highlight this squad of ballas that work hard and play hard, making The Dirty Dozen look like a merry band of choir boys. Tony Khoury once beat a fan to death with a rosin bag just for heckling him. The Trojan post-game celebrations often lead to violent blood-lettings, and several promising Trojan middle-relievers, including bare-chested impressionist painter/left-handed set-up man Georges St. Pierre, were actually shot at the last team party, prompting the aptly-named Coach Sage to renew his search for middle relief pitchers.
2) St. Louis Golden Spikes- St. Louis, where the girl who dies with the tallest boyfriend wins, is also home to this interesting band of renegade hoosiers who throw 90-MPH heat and host wicked trivia nights. Last week starting pitcher Christopher Crooks actually won both games of a double-header and convicted a janitor of wreckless driving in night-court in Chesterfield. Rumor has it they have recently added Ed Lynch's nephew to provide a much needed big lefthanded bat to the lineup
3) Freida's Boss- RooRoo McGelboim, Two-Putz O'Brien, Pete Heath, and Byron "The Pig" Emerson lead this rag-tag band of misfits as they do battle for glory in an elite Chicago softball league. Except this league doesn't use the 16-inch Chicago softballs. So it's more like a non-Chicago softball league, although they play all their games in Chicago and all the teams and all the players are from Chicago.
Founder and player-manager Emerson is well-known as a stern disciplinarian; it is rumored he sodomizes any player that doesn't run out a pop-up. It is also rumored that he sodomizes players that run out pop-ups, so it's sort of tough to get on his good side. Rightfielder McGelboim, deported from Canada last April on charges of felony voyeurism, gets his kicks stealing balls hit to other outfielders. Mike Matos, who suffers from occassional bouts with leprosy, swings roled up semen-stained copies of the Federalist Papers when he's on deck.
And here's a little update on our friend Placido Polanco. Placido has hit .500 (10-20) since he was traded to the Detroit Tigers.
Well that's all I have for now. If anyone has located any more promising North American baseball talent, holler at your boy and I will check it out. I'll give Juan all your best. Beltran you better fill out your will now if you have not done so already. I'm out of this bitch.
Juan saw a neighbor and said, "Lookit these fish I got for my girlfren!"
The neighbor responded, "Nice trade!"
Then Juan began to open his screen door when several of the fish suddenly detonated. Apparently the fish had been rigged with tiny plastic explosives, and when they went off they blew Juan ten meters into the air. Fortunately, the portly Boca is insulated with several layers of baby fat, and much of the shrapnel was unable to penetrate his vital organs. Nevertheless he was taken to a local hospital and received dozens of stitches. Exploding tropical fish are a calling card of the loathed and despised Ricky Beltran, the two-bit mercenary who has now drawn the full breadth of my wrath. The peace is over- This assassination attempt on Boca is an act of war, and Ricky Beltran is a dead man walking as far as I'm concerned. You want a war Beltran? You got a war.
Juan scribbled wrote me a note that he wanted me to publish on this blog to let everyone know he is alive and healing. Here goes:
Frens
i was an injury by an exploden fish
but i gon to recommend myself in hospital and wil be soon
don ju worry!
-Juan
I honestly don't know what the hell he is trying to say, but anyway on to sports...As many of you know I spend alot of time covering professional American baseball. But what of the often-overlooked world of amateur and semi-professional American baseball? Today I am going to focus on three promising squads and some of their elite players in this often under-appreciated strata of American athletics:
1) The Sacramento Trojans -Baseball in the Pacific Northwest doesn't get any more hardcore than this. Check out a night-game in hitter-friendly San Juan High School and you'll see what I mean. Jim Miramontes and Tony "CoCo" Khoury highlight this squad of ballas that work hard and play hard, making The Dirty Dozen look like a merry band of choir boys. Tony Khoury once beat a fan to death with a rosin bag just for heckling him. The Trojan post-game celebrations often lead to violent blood-lettings, and several promising Trojan middle-relievers, including bare-chested impressionist painter/left-handed set-up man Georges St. Pierre, were actually shot at the last team party, prompting the aptly-named Coach Sage to renew his search for middle relief pitchers.
2) St. Louis Golden Spikes- St. Louis, where the girl who dies with the tallest boyfriend wins, is also home to this interesting band of renegade hoosiers who throw 90-MPH heat and host wicked trivia nights. Last week starting pitcher Christopher Crooks actually won both games of a double-header and convicted a janitor of wreckless driving in night-court in Chesterfield. Rumor has it they have recently added Ed Lynch's nephew to provide a much needed big lefthanded bat to the lineup
3) Freida's Boss- RooRoo McGelboim, Two-Putz O'Brien, Pete Heath, and Byron "The Pig" Emerson lead this rag-tag band of misfits as they do battle for glory in an elite Chicago softball league. Except this league doesn't use the 16-inch Chicago softballs. So it's more like a non-Chicago softball league, although they play all their games in Chicago and all the teams and all the players are from Chicago.
Founder and player-manager Emerson is well-known as a stern disciplinarian; it is rumored he sodomizes any player that doesn't run out a pop-up. It is also rumored that he sodomizes players that run out pop-ups, so it's sort of tough to get on his good side. Rightfielder McGelboim, deported from Canada last April on charges of felony voyeurism, gets his kicks stealing balls hit to other outfielders. Mike Matos, who suffers from occassional bouts with leprosy, swings roled up semen-stained copies of the Federalist Papers when he's on deck.
And here's a little update on our friend Placido Polanco. Placido has hit .500 (10-20) since he was traded to the Detroit Tigers.
Well that's all I have for now. If anyone has located any more promising North American baseball talent, holler at your boy and I will check it out. I'll give Juan all your best. Beltran you better fill out your will now if you have not done so already. I'm out of this bitch.
posted by McStallen at
1:19 PM
3 Comments:
McStallen I just want you to know that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to take Beltran down. I'll take a bulet for you on this one if I have to
rosin bag? I thought tony khoury vibrated that man to death just like I taught him that night we drank slighlty chilled bottles of chabliss out in Saucelito.
Wilson- You just better be right about Andy Marte. If he doesn't start playing middle infield soon, I'm going to have you killed
Trigg- Weren't you a little bit tipsy on that fateful night in Saucelito? The fan was killed by a combination of blunt rosin bag blows to the head and a prolonged and unanticipated reach-around
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home