Milosevic Remembered

Today has been a very emotional day for me, and I now report to you that the father of Serbian nationalism, and the patron saint of Balkan genocide, Mr. Slobodan Milosevic, has passed away of natural causes.

It seems like everyone has a Slobodan Milosevic story or two, so I figure I'll share mine with you all. Now way back in early '98 I was working for the KLA, and was out with a frog-man team mining the Danube when a Serb riverboat spotted us with their searchlight. They fired some warning shots form their .50 cal, and plucked us right out. They tortured us a bit, standard Geneva convention violations- nothing noteworthy- and then took us back to headquarters.

My Serbian captors were familiar with my work, and figured "the Boss" would like to see me.
So they put me in an armored personnel carrier and took me off to Mr. Milosevic' chateau.

They brought me into his chambers under heavy guard and I was quite nervous.
He was seated, busily sorting through 8x10s of various Croatian citizens, putting them in one pile labeled "Kill" and another labeled "Put in jail- probably kill later."

Then he looked up for a second and winked at me.
"Ahh McStallen- I know of your work in El Salvador, South Africa and Eritrea. And the Laotian circus animal massacre in '77... beheading those circus monkeys...It was, how you say, big inspiration?"

Then he looked down at one of the 8x10s and spat at it. "Fuck your mother." he mumbled to the 8x10 under his breath. Then he looked up at me again.

"If a man kills your child, the way you get back at that man is to kill several of his children. And maybe someone else' children too. And blow something up and torture your neighbors. And then kill your neighbors. Then you get vengeance for your dead child, and you can sleep easy. And that's the way we do it here."

Brilliant. I knew at once this flawed man was a kindred spirit.

We were roughly the same age, and had both killed lots of people, and so we had alot in common and hit it off pretty well. So we got talking, and he worked out a deal for me. He'd forget about the stuff in the Danube if I'd train and fight with two companies of anti-aircraft units so that we could fend off the criminal NATO airstrikes that were destroying the beautiful Balkan countryside and causing untold harm to a great number of innocent people.

So for about 6 months, I trained brave young Serbs, and later myself fought in the Great War of NATO Aggression, and Mr. Milosevic treated me like a son. It was alot of work, but there was some play time too- me and "Slobo" would usually spend our Sundays fishing and sniping for Croats at the local market or go tear-gassing war orphans.

Work wasn't that bad either- with help from fellow mercenary Crotop the Moldovan Bear, I shot down a commercial airliner from South Korea (that'll teach 'em), and also had several unconfirmed hits on NATO bombers. NATO would never own up to losing one of their aircraft if we shot it down anyway- you know the way they are. And Wesley Clark? What a joke. And that's the way the West is- always disseminating false propaganda to further their own agenda- like the Gulf of Tonkin, or the lunar landing, or evolution...long live William Jeninngs Brian and death to the gold standard.

Right, now so I saw that American twit Owen Wilson make a mockery of our efforts with his jingoistic "Behind Enemy Lines." Alot of people tell me "The Wedding Crashers" is good, but I've never seen it- and I never will unless that bastard Wilson apologizes for "Behind Enemy Lines." His next movie could be a bloody Oscar winner - I don't care- he's not getting any money from me any time soon.

So anyway as 1998 came to a close, I thanked Mr. Milosevic for his hospitality and told him I needed a change of scenery. He thanked me, we exchanged genital hand-shakes, and then parted ways. My heart was in the south, and I left for Bogota to recruit for FARC, but every so often I think back to the fond times I spent in Yugoslavia.

So long Slobodan- the world will be a different place without you around.