Wednesday, December 14, 2005

UFC 67 Part III -The First Casualty of War is Innocence; the Second, is Hyman Mills


So I fumbled my sub-machine gun, and Frank Trigg got with-in striking distance of me with his knife. Luckily, I had the foresight to place McGelboim in the crowd as a sniper. A former marksman in the Mossad, McGelboim promptly took out Trigg with one shot from his Mannlicher-Carcano bolt-action rifle, and Trigg fell to the ground and died in my arms just like Anwar Sadat had 14 years ago.

With Trigg neutralized, I turned my attention to the Octagon. The Civil Servant now had Mills in a full-body anal suplex and was preparing his finishing move. But I opened up with my sub-machine gun and clipped the Civil Servant and the ref. At that point several of Trigg's henchman as well as some of Crotop's goons and some assorted members of the crowd all started firing on each other and into the Octagon. I dodged the gunfire and ran into the Octagon serpentine and pulled Mills out.

Fortunately, I also had an emergency escape plan- I set-up a rendezvous point outside the arena, and Evan Belgium and Bunny were going to fly in on Belgium's HIND and pick us up and get us back to their base camp in Arizona.

So I radioed to Belgium, "Ripper Bravo Six- Be advised we got beaucoup mayhem in here and everything's gone to hell- We need that evac pronto! Bravo Six out!" Belgium told me to hang in there and that he'd be there in five minutes, so now we just had to get out of the bloody arena.

Mills had taken a few slugs and was bleeding profusely. To calm him, I said "Just hang in there Mills- bird's on the way!"

"Oh yahh!" responded Mills, before he passed out from blood loss.

Some of the gunfire died down and began to give way to a giant no-holds barred melee. There was blood and body parts flying in every direction as members of the crowd tore each other to pieces like animals. There were some explosions and lots of smoke, but I was able to make my way toward the exit carrying Mills on my back, firing at anyone in my path with my .45 -better stopping power than the sub-machine gun. Then I eyed one of Crotop's henchmen in the stands getting ready to fire on me, but I shot first and dropped him with a single shot to the head.

When I got to the exit I bumped into McGelboim and gave Mills to him.
"You and Mills haul ass to the chopper- I'll cover you!"

So McGelboim took off with Mills, and I laid down some covering fire with my sub-machine gun for a minute or so- I went through two clips and then figured it was best I get to the chopper as well.

I got outside and met up with everyone around the HIND, which had just landed in the rendezvous point. But then two pick-up trucks came roaring down the road right at us, concentrating heavy automatic weapons fire on our position. We took cover around the HIND and returned fire. From the cock-pit, Belgium fired a rocket and took out one of the trucks, but the other sped closer to us. I could see the Civil Servant at the wheel, with that blasted maniacal grin of his, driving the pick-up with one hand and firing an uzi with the other. He was yelling something about Smush Parker and diversity jurisdiction. The Bastard.

Bunny fired his shot-gun into the Civil Servant's pick-up truck. He hit the Civil Servant right in the face and the Civil Servant's head blew apart, and the pick-up truck sped out of control, crashed into a parked petroleum truck, and went up in flames.

"Oh man- you see that head come apart?!" inquired Bunny excitedly.
I just shook my head. "The Civil Servant's not dead. You can't kill him. But he's out of the picture for now- that's the best we can do." I responded.

We all got back in the chopper and McGelboim gave a thumbs up to Belgium and we took off.
I was relieved, but then I looked around for a few seconds and realized Mills wasn't on board.

"Where's Mills?" I asked everyone.

"Dead. The Cong got him." responded McGelboim tersely.

The "Cong?" I was shocked. I looked back solemnly at the arena as we flew off, thinking about all the unnecessary violence and death that had just occurred. Why god? Why?

But before I could finish blaming God for all my problems, I saw this strange lone figure- way off in a far corner of the parking lot- running for his life. It was Mills- covered in blood, and being chased by dozens of Crotop's henchmen, some UFC revelers, and a handful of Viet Cong, who seemed a bit out of place all things considered.

"We still got a man down there- its Mills! Turn this crate around and head back!" I yelled.

Belgium nodded and turned the chopper around and headed back towards Mills. Belgium unloaded on Mills' pursuers with the 30 mm cannon and rained bullets on most of the pursuers. I grabbed the .50 cal on the door and took out a few others. But before we could get close enough to pick Mills up, a few of the Viet Cong caught up to Mills and shot him up real good. Mills threw up his arms in silent agony, and then fell to the ground. Dead.

Belgium looked down at Mills, mumbled "Poor bastard," turned the helicopter back around, and we headed back to the base camp.

I leered at McGelboim and he stared back at me for a second or two, and then looked away. Something was rotten and when we got back to base camp I was going to find out exactly what the hell was going on. Mills had been sacrificed, and I needed to know why.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

it is because of you that I never met my father!

and now you allow that noble quaker to be butchered like a kilimanjaron macaques?

I'm coming for you McStallen. and you too McGelboim. you have until the fantasy football playoffs are over and then your time is up.

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Queen LeBron

Well that's spoken like the true New Jersey white trash that you are. Your threats don't scare us- Why don't you just go back to porking students.

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you guying talkin about me? someone said you were.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

McStallen, is it true that today is your birthday?

I'm wearing my "Mogadishu red" pants in your honor. They have a pattern of little babies heads exploding.

10:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Halper you couldn't get laid in a morgue

Only way you'd get some pussy is if a bitch dies and wills it to you...and then... maybe!

But you's a killah

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

man, that millsy has some nice breasts...

5:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yahh. When I lived with Millsy I really apreciated the fact he never wore a shirt inside the house. Oh yahh.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only seen one Mills without a shirt

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I took an LSAT review course with Mills. He always had his shirt on.
I don't know what everyone else is talking about.

And when I figure out which one of you snuck into my apartment last month and tried to saw my legs off below the knee, I'm going to beat you with my solid-gold cane

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does Hyman Mills have man boobs and a vagina?

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who cares what Hyman Mills looks like? Why don't you mind your own fucking business

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