Ricky Beltran Lights Up Some Friendlies

I have disturbing news to report from Cabinda. Ricky Beltran, a trusted comrade who I have worked with since Thatcher's botched coup, fired on his own personnel today. Beltran was on guard duty and began to consume massive quantities of alcohol. He told his comrades "not to worry (because they were) hanging with Audie Murphy tonight." Later that evening Beltran saw a few armed figures coming over the horizon, and without asking for the code word, fired his .50 caliber on them, killing two and seriously injuring a third. Unfortunately, the three men turned out to be some of our colleagues returning from a night of pillaging the local Cabindan women. When Beltran realized whom he had shot, he broke down. Grief-stricken, he fired several .45 caliber slugs into his amo man Hondo and Wilson the janitor, and then turned the gun on himself and blew his head off. It was a tough day for everyone.


Well you see, in this kind of operation, things get confused out here, power, ideals, the old morality, and practical military necessity. Because there's a conflict in every human heart between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes the Dark Side overcomes what Lincoln called "the better angels of our nature." Therein, man has a breaking point. You and I have ours. Ricky Beltran has reached his. And very obviously, he had gone insane. Beltran acted without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct.



Obie, the surviving mercenary who was injured by Beltran's reprehensible shooting


So things are tough here. And from what I can tell they're not going any better in America, as the Major League Baseball disabled list has once again become littered with injured players. A recap of some of the most tragic injuries:




1) Curt Schilling- Well I suppose everyone saw this one coming. The rotund Schilling was all too eager to return to the mound, and damned if he didn't return too soon. The mind was willing, but the body was not. Schilling's going back on the DL, and who knows if he will ever pitch like a #1 fantasy hurler this year. Wade Miller can't come back soon enough and Tim Wakefield and Bronson Arroyo don't have to worry about heading to the pen any time soon.

2) Armando Benitez- He helped San Fransisco win on Teusday, and San Fransisco lost him on the very same fateful night. An MRI revealed Benitez will miss the next 4 months, meaning he could return for the Giants' last 30 or 40 games. Matt Herges will likely fill in, and my advice to everyone going to Giants games would be to take public transporation. If you park your car outside the stadium you run a high risk of having your windshield shattered by a Herges homerun ball. Herges has been a good set-up man, but was a disaster last year as the Giants interim closer.

3) Jason Isringhausen- Izzy landed on the 15 day DL as well. Look for Julian Tavarez and Ray King to try and pick up the slack.

4) Chad Fox- Fox was just trying to keep the mound warm for Joe Borowski when he suffered what may very well be a career-ending injury. Look for that Michael Wuertz guy to step in until Borowski is healthy.

5) David Wells- Didn't I just write something about an injured obese aging Boston hurler? Well make that two. Both Schilling and Wells are headed to the DL, and Theo Epstein may get a spot start.

6) Jaret Wright- In the same vein as mercy killings, Wright has been placed on the DL so he can try to remember how to pitch.

7) Ben Sheets- Ben's ear hurts so he may hop on the DL for a little bit until his ear feels better. They're called allergies Ben.

That's all for now. Again this is a sad day for me because of all the baseball injuries, and it was compounded by Ricky Beltran's equally tragic shooting rampage.